The Red Cleaner Conspiracy

Title reference: "The Red Wolf Conspiracy" by Robert V. S. Redick

***

Me and Tate have been playing Tori Amos' "Happy Workers" the whole day, singing along, while doing (or at least trying to!) some long-postponed domestic cleaning, in order to prepare the house for tomorrow's New Year's Party! To tell you the truth, two hours into the cleaning, I was already feeling really sorry, that we decided to host a party at home, instead of going to someone else's house! I mean, who knew that washing a carpet might be such a tough job?! Or that She-Who-I-Really-Didn't-Want-to-Invite has been right about all the dirtiest places in the house, like the oven and underneath the bed... Geez, do you have any idea how much dust can pile up under a bed?! Or that when you start trying to push the hoover beneath it, it can get stuck and make you pull as hard as possible to take it out? No? Well, apparently it could, and it did! And don't even start me on Tate and his irrational fear that there's a monster living under his bad... Too much Everlast, anyone?

Anyway, by noon I was already considering giving up on cleaning as a whole and simply calling a house cleaning company to come do the dirty job for us, while we head out for pizza and a beer! Then it dawned on me: why bother the professionals, when we can jest play it smart and... Well, let's just say that instead of cleaning the house, we're just going to "mask" it in such a way, that no one would notice the dirt! Unless they looked closely, that is, and come on - who's gonna' expect the carpets for stains, or crawl underneath the beds, when there's gonna' be booze and chicks? O, yes...

Her. Lulu's Hot-but-Cleaning-Obsessed friend. She might do something like that.

Then again, I contemplated with myself, what if I could find a way to distract her, so that she is too busy talking, to actually go looking around the house? What would it take? Enduring yet another one of her "Astounding cleaning facts... " lectures? I could do that! O, if I'm drunk enough I could sit through almost anything... Well, OK, I wouldn't go as far as to say that I could "sit through" any torture, but anything that doesn't involve actual physical crippling... I could do that!

So that was the plan, up till 30 minutes ago. Then Tate's mum called and said she'd stop by tomorrow to help us decorate the house and prepare the food for the party. Very nice of her, but I could swear we both had a panic attack when we heard it! I mean... Tate's mum's like Super Mum, or something! If she sees the house like that, then she'd want to stay and clean it, and... Well, mums and parties. Not a good combination. So we put our heads together, had a short debate and then did the only thing possible in these extreme circumstances. 

We called professional house cleaners. They'd be here in an hour. Time to get that pizza and beer, I guess...

O, Tate says "Happy New Year" in advance! I add my voice: "Happy Future New Year" everyone! Don't spare yourself the drinking...

...and whatever you do, don't put your mum in the same room with your friends! Not a good combination! 

Trust me, I speak from experience!