Black Dust Cleaning

Title reference: "Black Dust Mambo" by Adrian Phoenix

***

Tate slept on my couch yet again. Apparently, his landlord refused to give him a new key, after he lost the last one, pointing out that it's "your 5th this month!" I mean, come on, how do you lose 5 keys in a month? It's 1.Something lost keys every week... So I asked Tate where does he keep his key-chain? And you know what he told me (and I quote):

"What key-chain?"

O, geez! Guess we'd have to set yet another set of rules for when we move to our mutual place... By this moment, the list's growing pretty long.

1. Don't invite Lulu and hot-but-whacko over... for any reason possible! If I have to go through another night of "cleaning wonders" I'd probably go nuts myself!

2. Never, ever play that horrible "Glee" song again! Yes, Tate, you know which one! What's wrong with you?!

3. Put beer in the fridge, chips - in your mouth. The point of the "exercise" is to eat most of it, not end up covered in it!

4. Buy a key-chain... and tie it around your neck, so you don't lose it! Along with your head, that is.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg! Trust me, if I was to post the whole list, it will go from here to... China, or something!

Anyway, as you could probably guess, talking to Tate is like talking to a wall... Only the level of understanding is lower! I mean, walls keep quiet... Tate, on the other hand, feels it appropriate to share every thought that passes through his head. Luckily, there aren't many of those! Still, when they reek their ugly heads out...

Last week we're sitting in an Irish pub, minding our own business, when this Irish dude comes and asks if he can join us. He brings Guinness, so, naturally, we call him our new "best mate" and invite him over! Anyway, 5 minutes in the conversation, Tate gets this cocky expression and says his gonna' tell us a funny Irish-related joke. In an Irish pub. Full of Irish men. O, dear...

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up : "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose."

"I'm sorry sir, I..."

"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

Tate finishes his joke, laughing like a mad man. He was the only one. The nice Irish fellas... Well they weren't so small! Not at all!

Anyway, my point is, setting up logical rules for Tate is almost impossible. He just forgets them. Just like today. I went out for a jog and came back to find Lulu and Tate playing "slap and tickle" on the couch (and they did it literally... Apparently, the concept of an "expression" is not very clear to them!) and on the comfy chair...

Hot-but-creepy glared at me with eyes that I imagined burned like embers. Remember Dark Willow from "Buffy"? When she skins Jonathan alive with a wave of her hand? Well, I think hot-but-o-so-boring was trying to do the same to me! And it almost worked...

Still, I toughened up and, after making coffee for everyone (Tate is not allowed anywhere near the coffee machine), put away my displeasure and set on the couch, a little away from Tate and Lulu who were trying to untangle from each-other. Which would have been simple, if... O, forget it! Anyway, she-whose-name-I-don't-care-to-remember thought it would only be appropriate (so early in the morning!) to smack us all with one of her "amazing" cleaning lectures. Lord Almighty! So she looked around...

...and started telling us all about the 5 places you'd never remember to clean!

1. The oven - even the best of housewives, suffering from some sort of cleaning disorder, would not remember to put their head in the oven and scrub out all the little pieces of exploded turkey off the top of the oven. It is just a human respond not to...Wait, what, Tate? You did it for fun?! To see what it's like to be in a tunnel?! Are you mad?!

2. Washing Machine. You may forget this one, but when your white t-shirts start coming out black, or grey, you'd remember it... And you'd be sorry! (Not as I am for ever going out with you, cleaning-freaky-chic!)

3. Kitchen pantry. What old, old vegetable preservers lurk there? No one knows. (And no one cares!)

4. Bathroom floor. Yes, no one remembers to clean there... Maybe it's the idea of scrubbing off husband's chest hair, or wifey's leg hair that appals us? (My, that woman is... I'm lost for words!)

5. Underneath the bed. Maybe there's a monster in there...? (Yes, too much Everlast!)

Anyway, by the time boring-and-demanding was done talking, I wished I could just call an oven cleaning London company, or something, and just have her shut up! Lulu and Tate, on the other hand, thought that those "facts" were "really cool"... 

Yes, they were. And the Easter Bunny is my friend.

Give me a break!