The Ragged Cleaner

Title reference: "The Ragged Man" by Tom Lloyd

***

The final days are upon us. No, no, not the end of the world (that's in 2012, remember?), but the final days of my living in this good ol' apartment I've been inhabiting for the last... 3 years? Yep, that's right! 3 friggin' years! I'd have played "Ode to Joy" (which Tate thought is "TV commercial music"... yeah, genius!), but, honestly, I think that in a weird, sad sort of way I would actually miss living here. Human nature, people! (or "human habit", but hey... Let's leave that quarrel to philosophers, OK?) O, as much as I dislike my landlord, and my neighbors, and the whole neighborhood in general, I still have some pretty fun memories from this place. And, as pathetic as that may sound, Tate's actually in most of them... Guess sometimes friendship is as illogical as women's behavior during "that" time of the month. Again... humans! We're hard to figure out, huh?

Still... moving out and then moving in with Tate (no, not in a romantic way! Geez, what's with you, people?!) turned out to be a bigger pain in the you-know-what, then one (me, me, me!) could have imagined! So many things to do and so little time! So, after some consideration, devastation, degradation and deprivation (nope, it wasn't so bad, but I wanted to write a lot of hard-to-pronounce words! Childish, I know... Still, sue me, why don't you?) I came to turns with the fact that I will have to make the ultimate sacrifice...

I called She-who's-hot-but-bores-me-to-death. Yes, that's right! I called Lulu's best friend and asked her for her professional advice. 

An hour and a half later, after listening about cleaning over the phone (plus some really bad jokes!) I was ready to leave my old apartment... and move in with the Big Man overhead. No, Tate, not neighbor Dave! The Lord Almighty, that's who I had in mind! What? Does it mean that... No, the Lord does not live upstairs with neighbor Dave! Geez! Yes... you can go and check. (if neighbor Dave doesn't shoot you with a rifle, or something... he's a bit on the weird side!)

Anyway, back to what hot-and-loony told me over the phone... Hmm, let's see... I wasn't paying a lot of attention!

Hot-but-too-boring-to-bear: How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub?

Me: What?

Hot-but-too-boring-to-bear: They both have rings, silly!

Me: What's that got to do with anything?!

O, wait... That's the part of the conversation you don't need to hear about! (Still, cleaning humor... O, my!) The important part of what hotty-but-whack-o told me was that before I leave my apartment for good, I'll have to take care of all the little jobs I've been neglecting. Which, probably, have evolved into big jobs, while I've been doing other things... Still, amidst all the crazy and off topic chat (her specialty, I reckon) she managed to give me a few nice tips.

1. Hire a cleaning company (not that I wouldn't have figured this one out on my own!). Apparently, I'd have to consult my landlord or lettings agent (um... what?) for a cleaning checklist, and then find a cheap cleaners London company, to do the dirty work. (Fine by me, that one!)

2. Waste removal. From cleaning the gutters and storm drains to getting rid of household rubbish in large quantities, waste removal is one of those cleaning jobs that is always put off till the last minute. (OK, kinda true, but still... I don't make that much garbage!) So, I'd have to consult the landlord on this one as well... And then call a company yet again! Ah, moving is tiresome! (before it even starts!)

3. Bathrooms and kitchens. Stainless steel and porcelain or ceramic surfaces are among the hardest to clean (sadly, that's true!), and respectively are among the most neglected places in a house! Which I'd like to say is not so in my case, but hey... A beer at the pub, or a scrubbing of the bathroom floor?! Hmm, let me think... or not!

4. The washing-up. Dishes, dishes, dishes... My, I knew we'd have to deal with these, and not just leave them in the sink, while we head off to IKEA to buy new ones! So, no telly... for Tate! Most of the dishes are his anyway! Bad, bad, Tate!

5. The Oven. I think that sentence alone is enough... The oven. Dreadful, isn't it? The thought of all the spaghetti sauce and grease that has graced its surface... Luckily, that won't be something I or Tate have to do ourselves... We live in the 21st century, people! There are enough oven cleaning London companies to choose from!

All in all, talking to good-looking-but-badly-thinking (Geez, what is her name, really?!) was not all that helpful, but still gave me a few clues on how to make that whole "moving out" affair into a much... smoother thing, then it has been so far!

So, bring your you-know-what here, Tate, and let's get down to business! And switch the telly off!

O... such misfortune!