The Red Cleaner Conspiracy

Title reference: "The Red Wolf Conspiracy" by Robert V. S. Redick

***

Me and Tate have been playing Tori Amos' "Happy Workers" the whole day, singing along, while doing (or at least trying to!) some long-postponed domestic cleaning, in order to prepare the house for tomorrow's New Year's Party! To tell you the truth, two hours into the cleaning, I was already feeling really sorry, that we decided to host a party at home, instead of going to someone else's house! I mean, who knew that washing a carpet might be such a tough job?! Or that She-Who-I-Really-Didn't-Want-to-Invite has been right about all the dirtiest places in the house, like the oven and underneath the bed... Geez, do you have any idea how much dust can pile up under a bed?! Or that when you start trying to push the hoover beneath it, it can get stuck and make you pull as hard as possible to take it out? No? Well, apparently it could, and it did! And don't even start me on Tate and his irrational fear that there's a monster living under his bad... Too much Everlast, anyone?

Anyway, by noon I was already considering giving up on cleaning as a whole and simply calling a house cleaning company to come do the dirty job for us, while we head out for pizza and a beer! Then it dawned on me: why bother the professionals, when we can jest play it smart and... Well, let's just say that instead of cleaning the house, we're just going to "mask" it in such a way, that no one would notice the dirt! Unless they looked closely, that is, and come on - who's gonna' expect the carpets for stains, or crawl underneath the beds, when there's gonna' be booze and chicks? O, yes...

Her. Lulu's Hot-but-Cleaning-Obsessed friend. She might do something like that.

Then again, I contemplated with myself, what if I could find a way to distract her, so that she is too busy talking, to actually go looking around the house? What would it take? Enduring yet another one of her "Astounding cleaning facts... " lectures? I could do that! O, if I'm drunk enough I could sit through almost anything... Well, OK, I wouldn't go as far as to say that I could "sit through" any torture, but anything that doesn't involve actual physical crippling... I could do that!

So that was the plan, up till 30 minutes ago. Then Tate's mum called and said she'd stop by tomorrow to help us decorate the house and prepare the food for the party. Very nice of her, but I could swear we both had a panic attack when we heard it! I mean... Tate's mum's like Super Mum, or something! If she sees the house like that, then she'd want to stay and clean it, and... Well, mums and parties. Not a good combination. So we put our heads together, had a short debate and then did the only thing possible in these extreme circumstances. 

We called professional house cleaners. They'd be here in an hour. Time to get that pizza and beer, I guess...

O, Tate says "Happy New Year" in advance! I add my voice: "Happy Future New Year" everyone! Don't spare yourself the drinking...

...and whatever you do, don't put your mum in the same room with your friends! Not a good combination! 

Trust me, I speak from experience!

A Cleaner's Carol

Title reference: "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens

***

Christmas parties, and parties in general, have both a good and a bad side. Good side, of course, is that you get to drink a lot of free booze and get stoned, or, if you stay sober, to take pictures, while people embarrass themselves! (Tate has a lot of photos like that... Yeah, no surprise there, huh?) Bad side, on the other hand, is the extensive amount of cleaning that comes after the party. Especially for the unlucky hosts, if their guests choose to simply get up and leave, instead of helping put the mess back in order! I'd call it "anti-climatic", but that's not the right word for it...

Anyway, we had a similar experience after Christmas, when we hosted a big party to which most of our friends showed up... Only they didn't bother to stay and help with the cleaning, come morning! Yeah, to say that I was "really irritated", would be a misunderstanding! Still, I bit my tongue, prodded Tate until he woke up and curled out from under the table, and then did the unthinkable: I called Lulu and What-'s-Her-Name to come and help us with the cleaning! (Apparently, the two had managed to sneak out of the house, sometime last night... Sneaky!)

Luckily, they agreed to come and lend us a hand... And everything would have been just fine, if Lulu's friend hadn't decided to share more of her cleaning knowledge with us! Ah... I think I just came up with a Christmas wish!

Anyway, while picking up things off the ground, She-Who's-So-Boring, shared with us that for most end of tenancy cleaning professionals, like herself, it is not the house cleaning itself that can get bothersome, but what tenants leave behind for the house cleaning company to pick up after them.  Horror stories include live pets, collections of dirty condoms and years worth of old newspapers that had obviously doubled as intimate care products. She even went as far as to point some of her own personal favorites:

One time, while rummaging amongst the dozens of empty wine and champagne bottles that fueled the end of tenancy leaving party the night before, she actually found a living person! (Yeah, imagine that!) Who was he? O, you know... Just a party casualty leftover from the previous evening who was woken up, to his great surprise, only to find that all his mates had left and been replaced by a team of cleaners. The cleaners were kind enough to explain what had happened and send him off in the right direction.

A Florence and the Machine song, "You hit me once, I hit you back" comes to mind, when you hear the 2nd story, She-Who-Knows-All-About-Cleaning told us: a poor professional from an end of tenancy cleaning London company ound a bed that had seemingly been set on fire. Although the flat was otherwise very clean, the guest bed, one of the only remaining pieces of furniture in the flat, had had the sheets burnt off the bed. This particular scenario was complete with smoke stains rising up the headboard and wall. Luckily it had been put out and no one needed to call the fire department, though the next tenant would have been in the market for a new bed.

The last story, which I will share with you, just like it was shared with me is... creepy. But you'll find that one out for yourselves... Right now! You see, it turns out that one time, while deep cleaning the house of an elderly resident who had recently moved into a home, cleaners found a cat in the basement. Not a big deal particularly. Then they found several more cats, without a litter box in sight. Aside from the cleaning itself, they reported that the smell bordered on the unbearable. A bit of pet mess is one thing, but leaving all of your pets in the house when you move out is quite another. The cats had to be packed off to Battersea as the resident was, sadly, unwilling to claim them.

Yep, that one gave me the heebie-jeebies as well! Luckily, our after party cleaning brought nothing like that out into the daylight and in the end we all went for pizza and beer...

Am I wrong, or does that sound like double-dating to you too?!

The Curious Case of the Cleaning Man

Title reference: "The Curious Case of the Clockwork Man" by Mark Hodder

***

"There's nothing wrong with a bit of obsessiveness when it comes to house-cleaning - after all it is a never-ending task and the benefits are obvious - but there is a point beyond which the obsession is no longer healthy."

That's what the local psychologist Dave (or Know-It-All-Dave, as all the neighbours call him) told Hot-But-What's-Her-Name, when she went for an evaluation, in order to determine whether she's developed OCD - Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. What's that, you wonder? Well, from what I could gather, it's a commonly bandied-about term which is often misunderstood but for the ones who do suffer from it, it can become a truly debilitating problem.

Or so Her-Namlessness tells us, while the two of them with Lulu, Tate's girlfriend, are sitting on the couch opposite me and my (slightly gaping) buddy. She seems too shocked by the discovery, for a person who's been talking first and foremost about cleaning, ever since I've met her! Sometimes the way we perceive ourselves, and what people see (or hear!) when they look at us are two completely different thing, huh?

But, and I bet you're wondering as well, what's that disorder all about? Well, here's what "the little birdie (umm... google)" told me, when I asked: OCD refers to people who have invasive thoughts that are hard to control and who perform actions that are repetitive and ritualistic. Common thoughts and behaviour from OCD sufferers often may include an inability to stop thinking about a particular subject or an irresistible desire towards performing repetitive actions. An OCD sufferer may, for instance be unable to stop worrying whether the gas or a faucet was left on or may find themselves washing their hands every few minutes. People with OCD may recognize the futility of such thoughts and actions but are not able to stop them.

Man, that sounds... creepy! Fortunately, as it turns out, there are effective treatments for OCD, and many have found that they were able to overcome the condition through self-help methods, or through counselling. (In Hot-But-Disordered's case, I'd say she should simply quit her job as a maid and get herself a home cleaning company to do the dirty work for her!) Dealing with the problem involves first recognizing it, then redirecting the thoughts and behaviour in other directions and developing an ability to not identify with the intrusive, unwanted thoughts and urges. Medication can help as well, but often accompanying therapy and behaviour modification. 

Two common approaches for treating OCD are Cognitive Therapy and Exposure and Response Prevention therapy. Essentially, the Cognitive Therapy method helps the patient to learn ways to minimize the impact of the overwhelming thoughts and to redirect their behaviour in healthy directions. Exposure and Response prevention focuses on having the OCD sufferer confront his or her fears by stopping the accompanying behaviour patterns associated with the obsessive thoughts, which can help the person slowly lose the urge and begin to recognize that he or she doesn't need the ritual any more.

In other words, if Hotty-But-Crazy-O wants to come to terms with the problem, she should allow someone else to be in charge of the housecleaning, whether it be the normal ongoing cleaning and maintenance or whether it is time for an end of tenancy cleaning, for instance. Just like I thought, actually!

Who's the man now, huh?

Merry Christmas (err... in advance) people!

A Call in Winter

Title reference: "A Betrayal in Winter" by Daniel Abraham

***

Tate's bother Finn (yes, the all have short, compact, 4-letter names) was supposed to fly over to London and stay with us for Christmas, but due to the bad weather and the heavy snowing all over Europe, got stuck on an airport instead, pretty much at the mercy of winter! Ever heard the song "Ice Queen" by Within Temptation? Well, listen carefully to the lyrics and you will notice that the winter season has been acting like said Ice Queen way too much for comfort! People all over the world have been unable to get back home for the holidays, which might have been sad, if it wasn't so tragic! I mean, come on... We (homosapiens) pride ourselves to be on "top of the food chain", but are unable to beat a simple snowfall with all our "amazing" technology? Well, I say we... err... Just follow my line of thought and figure it out on your own, OK?

Anyway, if nothing else, in recent years we've managed to develop one useful technology, technically software, which can help us stay in touch with family and friends abroad, who are having one hell of a Christmas time in an airport, somewhere around the globe! Which is a big step up, I suppose! After all, in the past people were happy with the fast communication system sending e-mails to get in touch with people from all over the world! Today we can talk with anybody from anywhere. But the idea that long distance calls and especially international calls are expensive made the telecommunication providers become more and more competitive, and nowadays they are offering different promotions and plans for cheap international calls to facilitate their consumers.

So, taking advantage of the above said, and having in mind that Finn's actually very good with technology, we were able to "come in contact" (no, there were no aliens!). As a matter of fact, it turned out that both international and local conference calls can be very useful in such situations! However, each one has its own characteristics. Now, let me try to explain them to you... (I wish Finn was here!)

So, when you make a conference call you should dial the exit code of your country, next the country code and finally the recipient’s number. Of course, check the international rates of your provider. Generally, you should be careful when setting the time, the date and the location, which must be confirmed, but in case of emergencies, such as calling people from the snow covered airport... Such formalities could be overlooked, yes?

Anyway, back on topic! One thing, when making a conference call is, you need to do your best and speak clearly and slowly. Finn has a tendency to talks as if he's in a hurry, or someone is chasing him and every next word could be his last, so... It was a bit difficult to follow his side of the conversation! Do you get my point now?

Bottom line is, the international conference call is not that much more complicated than the national one.  And in cases of extreme emergencies it might be the best way for you to get in touch with your closes and dearest, from every possible location!

Yes, Tate, even the good ol' restroom in Gatwick! Geez!

The Sad Tale of the Roomies Grossbart

Title reference: "The Sad Tale of the Brothers Grossbart" by Jesse Bullington

***

See "Bigfoot" on the picture above? (figuratively speaking, of course!) Wanda' what he's looking at so grimly... Wanna' hear my guess? Well, I think he's looking for a job, just like I was a couple of days ago! From Tate's point of view, I must have appeared almost exactly the same. Staring at the monitor. Thinking deeply and seriously. Looking as though any moment now, I might fall asleep... O, wait! I shouldn't have said that last bit! Still, I did better, then when Tate tried searching for a job... He literally fell asleep and didn't wake up for hours! We're still trying to figure out what caused that...

Anyway, back on topic. No more jokes. There's nothing funny about the credit crunch. Many Londoners (myself included) will be taking this year's holiday in such spellbinding destinations as Wetford, Kent and the Cotswolds rather than sunny Spain or the Amalfi Coast.  Not a pleasant thought, but here's something to cheer you up and help you see the brighter side of things! Remember the last fat-cat city banker, that refused to give you a loan to send the kiddo to University? Well, he's probably gone from splashing money on maids and... I don't know... oven cleaning London companies, let's say, to DIY house cleaning in less than a year! If he'd been really unlucky, he might have even become one of the flat cleaning London professionals, he so easily hired and fired not that long ago, himself! Talk about justice in the universe!

Still, it kind of gives you a nice feeling inside, knowing that all of those "big shots" have fallen off their "thrones"... And are now forced to be house-cleaners, who can't even clean their own homes! Wanna' guess the 3 places they most regularly forget to clean?

I'd start!

1. The bottom of the wardrobe. Having no jobs, and thus, no cause for digging through the Savile Row suits and designer dresses lining their closets, unemployed city workers have notoriously dirty clothes wardrobes.  Many report numerous skeletons in these closets getting in the way of their best cleaning efforts: the products of sub-prime lending and too many Dubai deals gone wrong.

2. The refrigerator. Having no money to buy food, the fridges of former city-workers are looking very empty these days. I bet that when they open them and smell the fading scent of French cheese, caviar and a cream soup with Swedish mushrooms, their appetite simple disperses into thin air, followed by a long and depressing night of cheap wine and a trip down "six-figure-pay-check" memory lane!

3. Under the settee cushions. If I have to bet, I'd say that this is probably the cleanest place in ever ex-banker's house! Settees have usually been searched nine, ten, eleven times, hoping to scrounge up enough five-penny pieces for the price of a pint. And, unfortunately, what is found beneath them in most cases is not enough to even buy the poor city boy a decent pine of Guinness in the pub! O, hard is the life of the ex-millionaire...

But for good ol' university boys like myself or Tate, the rich guys' misery is almost a cause for celebration!

Petty, who me?

The Cleaning Rebellion

Title reference: "The Spirit Rebellion" by Rachel Aaron

***

Have you ever seen an elephant in a Chinese store, "gracefully" dancing around all the "do-not-touch" merchandise? You haven't, have you? Well, neither have I, but I've seen Tate try to pull something similar and... Let's just say that it cost us more to pay for the damage, then if we had actually bought something! Which might have been acceptable, if the result wasn't almost identical, no matter where we went! Even at home, Tate has the ability to cause a disaster! You don't believe me?

Well, picture this then! An antique leather chair, that my dad brought us as an early Christmas gift. The X Factor on TV. A big plate of Spaghetti Bolognese. And Tate running and jumping in the chair, so that he doesn't miss anything... The final result? A huge cleaning mess, that can only be solved through some professional sofa cleaning services! Or, and that's a big "OR", through the use of some simple upholstery cleaning, Do-It-Yourself tips, that I'm not sure if I want to experiment with! Still, if I were to give them a try...

First thing to remember is that liquid spills, with the exception of red wine and coffee, are suitable for Do-It-Yourself cleaning! A mere household cleaning solution or upholstery shampoo (whatever that may be) will usually do the trick! Apply it as soon as possible after the spill, work it into the fabric, and use a damp rag to blot out the liquid. You can repeat this procedure as many times as is necessary to remove the stain and discolouration, changing your cloth as often as needs be in removing any dark patches. 

Of course, there are some messes, that would take a bit more effort to clean... And Tate's done all of them! Food spills, pet mess, chewing gum... you name it! My buddy's been all over the place, making sure nothing stays as clean as it should be! These types of stains are easily mashed into the fabric of the upholstery, making them harder to clean, even by a professional home cleaning company with the proper chemicals and equipment. So, imagine what chance I've got? I'd say somewhere between zero to none... Still, supposedly, the best thing to do with these more heavy duty spills is to remove as much of the mess as possible without further soiling your upholstery or pushing it deeper into the fabric. If it works out for you, let me know!

Bottom line is, professional sofa cleaning London company available when DIY cleaning is insufficient is your best bet, to get your furniture back into shape, before you've got people coming over, or they end up as stained and... umm... unpleasant to look at, as a baby's dippers! You don't believe me? Well, you should have seen the furniture in my old home...

To call them "unpleasant" to behold would be an understatement! And that was before Tate started hanging around 24/7!

Aye, aye, aye!

The Roomies of Grace Adieu

Title reference: "The Ladies of Grace Adieu" by Susanna Clarke

***

Tate's mum stopped by for a visit this past Wednesday and stayed for a couple of days, making our (er... my!) lives really miserable! Remember that song "Manic Monday" by The Bangles? Well, let's just say that it was Manic Wednesday, then Manic Thursday and, if she hadn't booked her return ticket prior to her arrival, it would have been a Manic Weekend, that would have probably driven me insane! 

It's almost ironic, really! You've read those news articles, stating things in the vain of that the average British household is as busy as it has ever been, yes? Supposedly, recession-strapped parents have taken on secondary employment to generate extra cash. Kids are involved in all sorts of extracurricular activities, seemingly with the aim of educating them beyond their parents’ current financial troubles, and so on...

Well, I can tell you now that either Tate's family is much wealthier than he says, or his mum is completely unmoved by the financial crisis and everything that comes along with it! The woman is a hurricane, or a Fury, whichever is scarier, and I pray for anyone foolish enough to dare "scorn" her!

Still, I like to try and stay positive, and believe that the Tates, as I personally call them, are not the rule, but more of the exception to it! Hopefully, the normal modern family had little time for unnecessary domestic tasks, and the little jobs which would have been performed by mum or dad a generation ago are frequently outsourced. Over is the "bring me the newspaper and slippers" routine, that places the woman only a little step ahead of the dog in the hierarchy! The missus has gradually moved to become if not an equal, then actually a leading source of income for the family! (You think I'm joking?! Just look at your own boss... Or is she a lady-boss?) Anyway, whatever you or your wife are working, it's a fact that middle-class British households employ an increasing number of unnecessary domestic tasks, and the little jobs which would have been performed by mum or dad a generation ago are frequently outsourced.

Which is not that bad of a thing, if you're a "once upon a time" housewife, I guess! You're tired of sofa cleaning? Well, then it's time to get professionals to do the dirty job for you!

Or even better... You can try hiring one of those rigid and thoroughly British nannies and butlers (anyone thinking of... Sebastian?!) that have been so popular in Englishmen's imagination since the Victorian era! The economic principles behind the current trend for employing domestic assistance, however, are much different than the somewhat dated image of Jeeves the butler that we’re all so accustomed to. 

 Why is that so? I'll give you a hint - does... freedom of migration from Eastern Europe sound familiar to you? No? Then maybe you should think about the European Union... and all the foreigners it granted free entrance to the British Isles! Plumbers, builders, lorry drivers, maids and other domestic cleaning professionals came in spades. The effect was a significant decrease in the price of domestic assistance and blue collar personnel, making these services more widely available than ever before. So, if you have an old, rugged sofa and wish it clean... just go get yourself some professional sofa cleaners! Why do it yourself, when you can have someone do it for you?

Anyway, it is a fact that the rush of Eastern Europeans looking for employment in the service industry has been larger in the capital, then anywhere else! I hear that last time they checked, it was estimated that upwards of a million foreign nationals live and work on a day to day basis in London! Which... sounds kind of scary, doesn't it?

Still, if you've been wondering whether you can afford to get a second job, then I suggest you re-estimate your finances and the idea of taking on low-cost nannies or other assistance! The result is great for the economy, as you contribute to another person’s livelihood while being given a better chance to pursue your own.

Which is nothing more, but the pompous way of me saying that I'd rather pay to a maid to keep the house clean, then have Tate's mum come over once a week to put her "baby's staff in order"! Now that latter part is simply scaring me out of my wits...

Hot-but-nameless-or-whatever... Now's your chance to save the day!

And here I was thing that I'd never have to say those words!

The Horns of Cleaning

Title reference: "The Horns of Ruin" by Tim Akers

***

Have you noticed how fast the years fly by? Looking at the calendar now, I see it's almost 31 of December, 2010, and... Well, it seems like it was yesterday, when I was standing drunk and happy with Tate and our friends, singing “Happy New Year” from the top of our lungs, as we rose our glasses to salute 2010. Yes, the almost gone 2010. Time is such an elusive thing, isn't it?

So, in honour of that, let's have a little reminisce about this (almost) past year's beginning...

So, where do we start from? O, yeah, the Party! There's always a part, right? So, let's try to remember a bit more about it... O, yeah, here are those memories! So, the party started at the local pub, where all of us (Um... me and Tate) usually gather, and there was dancing, and music, and laughter. There was comfort and joy, as the song goes. Then came the new year and we moved the party to a more private location... (Tate's old apartment!) By the morning it was time for everyone to go and for us, your friendly neighbourhood party-hosts, to take a look around the house and say “O, my... What a mess!”. Spilled wine. Food on the carpet. Champaign on the missus' (my dreaded Ex) brand new Donna Karan dress. Needless to say, the latter needed to be replaced with an exact replica. But the carpet... Are we going to buy a new carpet every time the night gets wild?

No? O, well, I didn't think so! Is the lady of the house going to scrub at the stains until her hands fall out and she's so grumpy one glance can turn a perfectly good bottle of Burgundy wine into turpentine? I guess the answer is “No” again. As every sensible man knows, the key to happy home is a happy wife/girlfriend! So there's only one choice left to get out of the mess as swiftly as possible...

Finding the perfect cleaning company to do the “dirty work” for you.

Now, that may sound as a tough job to do, but it's actually quite simple, especially if you are in London. Yes, folks, the beautiful capitol of England can provide you not only with some of the best tea in the world, but also with wide variety of carpet cleaning London retailers, who'd be able to do miracles for that ruined carpet of yours. You just have to make sure you choose your carpet cleaning services carefully and with an open mind. You do not want to get cheated, right? So make sure you go to one of the big and more popular retailers.

O, on the question of that Donna Karan dress. You'd better not be thinking what I think you're thinking. It will not get like new again in the same way the carpet would!

Nice try, though.

The Gaslight Cleaner

Title reference: "The Gaslight Dogs" by Karin Lowachee

***

"Hey, Pete", Tate said happily, as Sofocle the o-so-not-trained puppy jumped around at his feet. "Wanna' try to teach lil' pup here a trick, cos' I'm miserably failing!"

I scowled at him, before asking in a tone, that clearly showed my irritation with him:

"Hey, Tate, here's a tough one for you: What should you know before you teach your puppy a new trick?"

"Um... I dunno'..."

"You should know more than your puppy!"

He just blinked at me. Point proven. I sighed and looked at the little troublemaker, who was waving his tail at me, jumping happily, and giving me a very, very dull look. They say that dog-owners look like their dogs, right? Well, apparently the same thing goes for the dos as well! Tate's... "brilliantness", if you would call it that, was rubbing off on Sofocle big time! Add mama Lulu to the mix and her Hot-but-dull-to-the-core-of-her-cleaner's-being friend, and you have an exasperating combination! O, poor me!

Still, truthfully speaking, having a puppy is wonderful. The mess it makes around the house is not! Remember the famous video for Queen's "I Want to Break Free" song? Well, unless someone in the household is ready to play Freddie's role, then you're in real trouble! And I'd be damned, before I put on a pink apron! Still, unfortunately, when you take a puppy, you're in for at least 3 months of cleaning pee and poo off the floor, carpets and, occasionally, even the walls. Walk the dog, change the litter or sweep out the hamster cage, but if animal stains are a part of your house cleaning routine, then you'll need to do some adjusting... And probably getting used to the idea, that at one point or another you'll need an army of the professional cleaners London has to offer! 

Anyway, back on topic (err... sort of)... For the last couple of days I've been trying to convince Tate that speciality pet stores will stock puppy-pads for small dogs and other household pets. Those cost about 10p each and will last at least a day or two, depending on the size of your pet. Training is essential for these to work (and I still think that Tate needs more training then Sofocle does!), but if you can get your puppy into the habit of using the pet pads, it will save you a lot of time and your beds, carpets, cushions and furniture a serious mess.

Still, with a puppy like Sofocle who tends to make unexpected messes all over the place (carpets, walls and, as soon as he figures out a way to defy gravity, ceilings), a more serious approach is needed. Speciality stain removal products are needed. Pet centres and specialty cleaning websites stock cleaning products specifically designed for dealing with pet mess. (Yeah, what can't you find on the Internet these days? No, seriously?!) If you are lucky enough to have your animal do its business on the bathroom or kitchen tiles, house cleaning bleach will do. (Um... we've got none, of course!) If animal stains end up on your carpets or furniture, invest in a specialty cleaning solution. If an accident happens and you aren't prepared, white vinegar diluted with water is great for urine stains. (And the fact that I know that is simply sad... Pete needs to get out more!) It helps to break down the stain and will make it easier to scrub out any discolouration that is left over from your pet. For animal poo stains, remove any solids first and use a cotton wall bud to swab away excess soiling. 

Got it? "Cotton wall bud", "swab", "excess soiling"... I honestly admit that I read that last part on the Internet! If someone would be willing to give me a hint what in the world it means... I'd be really happy! Especially having in mind that Sofocle just ran off into the bedroom...

Tate, get the damn dog out of there!

Geez!

Anyone else thinking about "The Happiest Song in the World" by Bald Travolta right now? You are?! Good, cos' so am I... So am I...

The Killing Call

Title reference: "The Killing Dance" by Laurell K. Hamilton

***

Tate's been on a mission to call his sister Lily, who lives in Canada, since 6:00 am this morning, although so far his success rate hasn't been higher than that of a teenager trying to hit on his young Psychology teacher! (Yes, I do speak from experience... but Miss Lesslie was worth every penny I spent on flowers and apples! That is, until it turned out that's she's a part of a bank-robbing gang! Then I wanted my money back!) Anyway, Tate, being Tate, tried everything possible to contact his sister... Then he woke me up to ask what's the password for the wireless, but hey, it's the thought that counts, right? Still, if he'd managed to establish a connection, with no Internet on... I'd have proclaimed him a genius! Now... Well, "genius" is not the first word that comes to my mind. It's not even the second... or third...

Wow, I'd say "genius" as a description is pretty low on my list! Who'd have guessed, huh?

But back on topic, once the connection was established (guess our password and I'd give you a cookie!) we had a moment of wondering how does those cheap international calls that everyone talks about work? I mean, I know that Tate's brother was trying to explain to us something similar a while back, but... I don't generally make an effort to remember things I won't immediately need. What? What?! Sue me!

Anyway, that whole topic reminds me of a certain (dull, long and funny!) joke I heard once, a long, long time ago... OK, it wasn't that long ago really, but still... All good stories start with a "Once upon a time", right? So... here goes nothing:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.


Man: "Hello?"


Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"


Man: "Yes."


Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it, sweetie?"


Man: "Sure... go ahead if you like it that much. I want you to be happy."


Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. It's a beautiful silver."


Man: "How much?"


Woman: "$60,000"


Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."


Woman: "Great! Oh, and just one more thing... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."


Man: "Wow, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer $895,000."


Woman: "Okay. Thank you darling -- you're wonderful! I'll see you later! I love you!"


Man: "Bye, I love you too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.


Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

O, my, just thinking about that joke makes me laugh to tears! I can totally picture Tate doing something similar... if he ever went to a golf club, that is! Anyway, a bit more seriously now: we made an on-line search and came up with some simple ways to make calls and save money, without worrying about the connection!

As it turns out, modern telecommunication industry cares a lot (or as much as any industry could "care" about anyone's needs!) about its customers' needs and requirements for quality calls at low prices.

The only requirement to take advantage of them is to follow the new trends in VoIP services, allowing you to make cheap international calls! The advantage of VoIP technology is that it can provide different kinds of calling plans all depending on the consumers’ demands. And for sure it is not complicated at all to be used. (Well, Tate would beg to differ, but he'd have a problem switching the lamp on, if you don't show him how to do it... Some husband he'll make!) However most of the providers require from the user to register in order to get an account, there are also some providers that offer the trial for free, or give unlimited access.

To summarise, as I understand it, thanks to the great development in the telecommunication industry, making international calls and staying in touch with your partners, friends, relatives and so on is easy from any place and at any time!

More importantly, the modern technology for cheap international calls with your mobile phone does not require WiFi, 3G or any other internet connection.

Which leads to one very important question: Tate, why in the world did you need the wireless to call your sister?!

To quote a popular song by certain female-fronted band:

If this is communication
I disconnect
I’ve seen you, I know you
But I don’t know
How to connect, so I disconnect

(To those who may concern: "certain" band is The Cardigans and the song is called "Communication"!)

The Cleaning Lens

Title reference: "The Spirit Lens" by Carol Berg

***

O, man, talk to me about having a bad day! The new house is a disaster, the curtains are torn to shreds, and there is Hot-and-o-too-cleaning-obsessed sleeping in my bed, as though it is hers! Geez, what a way to end the week! I've never considered myself a really "good" person, but that... I don't deserve it! I feel like I'm stuck in some cheap pop song... Like that old 90's hymn "Loser" by Beck. Quite a genius, that dude! If there was ever a song to describe my current situation, it would definitely be this one!

Yo. cut it.

I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

So, how did I get here? And why is everything upside down?! Well, followers and random stumblers, to answer that question, we'd have to turn the clock back a few hours and follow the day as it unfolds.

***

7:13 am

The alarm-clock went nuts, with that awful Irene Cara song from "Flashdance"... um... "What a Feeling" blowing the stereo so hard, that it threatened to bring down the house. Together with Tate, me and Lulu in it! Rolling off of bed (and almost crashing to the floor!) I managed to silence that little tormentor and got up, feeling almost as depressed and unhappy, as an old bachelor, who's worked in a cleaning company for the last 30 years of his life! And that's a long time!

8:25 am

Finally out of the house and off to run errands! I have a busy schedule today, though no one seems to believe me! What, do I look like a person who wastes all his time doing... nothing?! So not true! So, so even! Anyway, before I left the house, I ran into Lulu, who seemed very... distressed. 

Me: What's wrong?

Lulu: I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Me: (dead silent)

9:47 am

Meeting with my old landlord. Now that we've started working on the new house, it's time to put an end to any relationship between us. I've kept written records about any property damage, and have an inventory statement; I've stuck to our rental agreement and been a model tenant. (OK, not really, but keep that between us!) So, now that I'm officially moving out, I wanted to take my deposit back! It turned out I've neglected to read one part of the rental agreement - cleaning the property for future tenants. However that step is not very clear...

9:55 am

Called She-who-knows-all-about-cleaning-and-boring--you-to-death (Geez, that turned out long!) and asked her about the tenancy agreement. As it turns out, all tenancy agreements have an end clause saying that at the conclusion of the occupancy, the tenant must pay to professionally clean the premises so the property can be rented to others. It is essential to complete this last step before vacating the premises. Failure to do so is a breach of contract and the landlord has the right to withhold the tenant's deposit if the latter fails to clean the property.

Still, as She-whose-name-I-don't-remember noted, there is a fine line between what you're responsible for and what you're not. (If you ask me, I shouldn't be responsible at all, as Tate's around all the time, but... Tell that to the landlord!) So, here are a few points she made, that will allow you to understand your rights when cleaning your property. 

1) Your landlord cannot keep your security deposit for "normal wear and tear". Examples of "normal wear and tear" are a scuffed finish on wooden floors, worn carpet and chipped or faded paint.

2) The landlord is allowed to withhold the cost of repairing damages beyond "normal wear and tear". Some examples of common damages include broken windows, pen marks or holes on the walls or leaving rubbish or other items that need to be disposed off. If you made the flat or apartment so dirty that it is unsanitary or dangerous, the landlord may subtract the cost of making it livable again from your deposit.

Naturally, me being me, I told all that to the landlord. Bad idea. Guess if I got my deposit back, or not...

10:49 am

Called one of the finest window cleaning London based company and made an appointment, so that we could have the windows to the new house cleaned. Tate trying to do the job is SO not working!

A few hours of nothing significant enough to mention...

16:35 pm

I got back to the house, to find a few things in a row: 1) the whole house turned upside down; 2) Boring-chic-no-name sleeping in my bed; 3) the curtains in the living room torn to shreds and lying on the floor... And a funny looking, ill-tempered, few months old husky looking at me, as if I'd stepped on its turf and am getting on its nerves. For a few moments there I just stared at it in shock. Then I had a scary thought...

Could that be...

"Pete... meet Sofocle!" Tate said cheerfully from behind me! "He's a bit... wild..."

"You don't say", was all I managed to squeeze out between clenched teeth, before taking another look at the puppy, and doing the only thing I could think if in those circumstances.

I punched Tate in the nose.

An Artificial Cleaning

Title reference: "An Artificial Night" by Seanan McGuire

***

Ah, Grandma's old rug! How cool would it be to put it under the new poster of "The Walking Dead" that I just stick to the wall?! Sure, it's kind of rugged (he he Got it? The "rug" is kind of "rugged"!), but it's no big deal! Nothing that a good, professional rug cleaning London company (yes, those do exist! What... did you think it's just a joke?!) couldn't deal with! Besides, it creates a sense of... "hominess" (put the dictionary down, there's no such word!) that my previous place lacked! Nothing says "home", like Gran's rug... or honey-cake! O, that honey-cake... 

Anyway, all those thoughts were running through my head, while me and Tate were putting our new house ("our" in a very pure, non-platonic and non-sexual buddy-buddy way!) together! Naturally, we weren't making much progress, as Tate's idea of "putting things together" is to throw everything at random cupboards, or just let it lie on the ground, or on the bed, or in the sink, or... You get the idea! Pretty much, we were making a bigger mess, then the newly emptied house already was! Ever heard that old joke:

The trouble with owning a home is that no matter where you sit, you're looking at something you should be doing.

No? Well, read it carefully, because it IS true! Very, very, painfully true, actually! And following the dude on the picture's example (bare feet on table, beer in one hand, a piece of pizza - in the other) does not help to move things along at all! No, sir! So, at the end, after wasting most of our day drinking and eating, and watching re-runs of "The Walking Dead", we decided we could use some help...

In came Lulu and What-was-her-name-again-hotty, both not very happy to see me, but ready and willing to help Tate (he does a great impression of Shrek's Puss in Boots' innocent kitty-cat eyes... even over the phone!), who at that very moment was sprawled on the couch, complaining he's had way too much pizza for comfort! Yeah, big surprise there, Tate, big surprise! Still, a quick foot-tickle (Tate's got extremely ticklish feet!) and he was off the couch and on his feet in no time! Geez, that was easy! Now was time for the hard part...

The cleaning!

OK, wanna' know a secret? Do you know how two guys with little-to-no-income could afford to rent a house? Easy! Just get the one house on the market that no one, and I mean no one, wants to live in! Trust me, there's always one of those! Someone reported a ghost sighting, a lightning fell and hit the roof, old ladies passing on and leaving their eighteen cats untended and undiscovered for days at a time are commonly cited examples of how a house becomes an "outcast". The hungry cats had to be moved out of the property before anything could be done, and what they left behind was a sight for sore eyes, even by professional standards. And, voilà, we have a property that no one would rent... Unless you're me or Tate, that is! But, hey, just don't tell that to the ladies! They may find it disturbing!

Anyway, there is a reason why people say that the cleaning profession is much akin to the law-keeping profession. Cleaners and cops alike are used to dealing with the very dregs of society, individuals with nothing to lose and, it would seem, nothing to live for. Have you ever wondered what an eight room townhouse in Shepard's Bush looks like after a dozen travelling Aussies move out after two years of living there? Probably not, and with good reason. One London cleaning team stumbled upon just such a situation during an otherwise routine day of one off cleaning. The scene was positively dire: dirty socks, half-empty tins of marmite spilt onto mattresses, hundreds of empty cans of Fosters and a Kangaroo Halloween costume covered in every brand of bodily fluid imaginable. And they did the job, though not before renegotiating the price with the greedy managing agent looking to swindle them out of two days work and a few hundred quid. The kangaroo suit alone took more than 3 hours to sanitize and dispose of! (That last bit is a piece of "key" information that Crazy-in-a-boring-to-death-sort-of-way-chic provided us, before throwing away one of Tate's baby pyjamas... Why was he caring it around is a mystery that (hopefully) will stay unexplained forever!)

But back to the main topic, it turned out that settling into a place and putting your staff in order is much, much more complicated, then I'd have guessed! Which is weird, as I don't recall having such troubles when moving in my previous residence, but hey...

Things change, right? 

Luckily, there's one thing that is always a constant: you could never have too much beer and pizza! 

Right, Tate?

The Ragged Cleaner

Title reference: "The Ragged Man" by Tom Lloyd

***

The final days are upon us. No, no, not the end of the world (that's in 2012, remember?), but the final days of my living in this good ol' apartment I've been inhabiting for the last... 3 years? Yep, that's right! 3 friggin' years! I'd have played "Ode to Joy" (which Tate thought is "TV commercial music"... yeah, genius!), but, honestly, I think that in a weird, sad sort of way I would actually miss living here. Human nature, people! (or "human habit", but hey... Let's leave that quarrel to philosophers, OK?) O, as much as I dislike my landlord, and my neighbors, and the whole neighborhood in general, I still have some pretty fun memories from this place. And, as pathetic as that may sound, Tate's actually in most of them... Guess sometimes friendship is as illogical as women's behavior during "that" time of the month. Again... humans! We're hard to figure out, huh?

Still... moving out and then moving in with Tate (no, not in a romantic way! Geez, what's with you, people?!) turned out to be a bigger pain in the you-know-what, then one (me, me, me!) could have imagined! So many things to do and so little time! So, after some consideration, devastation, degradation and deprivation (nope, it wasn't so bad, but I wanted to write a lot of hard-to-pronounce words! Childish, I know... Still, sue me, why don't you?) I came to turns with the fact that I will have to make the ultimate sacrifice...

I called She-who's-hot-but-bores-me-to-death. Yes, that's right! I called Lulu's best friend and asked her for her professional advice. 

An hour and a half later, after listening about cleaning over the phone (plus some really bad jokes!) I was ready to leave my old apartment... and move in with the Big Man overhead. No, Tate, not neighbor Dave! The Lord Almighty, that's who I had in mind! What? Does it mean that... No, the Lord does not live upstairs with neighbor Dave! Geez! Yes... you can go and check. (if neighbor Dave doesn't shoot you with a rifle, or something... he's a bit on the weird side!)

Anyway, back to what hot-and-loony told me over the phone... Hmm, let's see... I wasn't paying a lot of attention!

Hot-but-too-boring-to-bear: How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub?

Me: What?

Hot-but-too-boring-to-bear: They both have rings, silly!

Me: What's that got to do with anything?!

O, wait... That's the part of the conversation you don't need to hear about! (Still, cleaning humor... O, my!) The important part of what hotty-but-whack-o told me was that before I leave my apartment for good, I'll have to take care of all the little jobs I've been neglecting. Which, probably, have evolved into big jobs, while I've been doing other things... Still, amidst all the crazy and off topic chat (her specialty, I reckon) she managed to give me a few nice tips.

1. Hire a cleaning company (not that I wouldn't have figured this one out on my own!). Apparently, I'd have to consult my landlord or lettings agent (um... what?) for a cleaning checklist, and then find a cheap cleaners London company, to do the dirty work. (Fine by me, that one!)

2. Waste removal. From cleaning the gutters and storm drains to getting rid of household rubbish in large quantities, waste removal is one of those cleaning jobs that is always put off till the last minute. (OK, kinda true, but still... I don't make that much garbage!) So, I'd have to consult the landlord on this one as well... And then call a company yet again! Ah, moving is tiresome! (before it even starts!)

3. Bathrooms and kitchens. Stainless steel and porcelain or ceramic surfaces are among the hardest to clean (sadly, that's true!), and respectively are among the most neglected places in a house! Which I'd like to say is not so in my case, but hey... A beer at the pub, or a scrubbing of the bathroom floor?! Hmm, let me think... or not!

4. The washing-up. Dishes, dishes, dishes... My, I knew we'd have to deal with these, and not just leave them in the sink, while we head off to IKEA to buy new ones! So, no telly... for Tate! Most of the dishes are his anyway! Bad, bad, Tate!

5. The Oven. I think that sentence alone is enough... The oven. Dreadful, isn't it? The thought of all the spaghetti sauce and grease that has graced its surface... Luckily, that won't be something I or Tate have to do ourselves... We live in the 21st century, people! There are enough oven cleaning London companies to choose from!

All in all, talking to good-looking-but-badly-thinking (Geez, what is her name, really?!) was not all that helpful, but still gave me a few clues on how to make that whole "moving out" affair into a much... smoother thing, then it has been so far!

So, bring your you-know-what here, Tate, and let's get down to business! And switch the telly off!

O... such misfortune! 

Best Served Clean

Title reference: "Best Served Cold" by Joe Abercrombie

***

Tate's been hanging around the house, eating pizza and watching TV most of the day, with Lulu curled up beside him. She chews a gum, he tries catching French fries with his mouth. Neither of them are evolved enough to do those things with their mouths closed. Me? I get a front row seat to all those activities, while trying to study for a test! Yes, talk to me about life being fair! Well, here's news for you: it isn't! Anyway, do you know what's the advantage of having cartoonish friends? I'll tell you! Sometimes, or most times, depending on where you're standing, you actually get to hear conversations that sound as though taken out of a joke!

Lulu: Where is the English Channel?

Tate: I’m not sure. We don’t get it on our TV.

And all of that while they were going through the foreign (French, German, Italian etc.) channels on the cable! Which might have been OK, if we had more channels then we do! Right now... Geez, is there such a thing as "TV-watching for Dummies"? If yes, then somebody please tell me where I can get it from! One perfect Christmas gift coming right up!

Anyway, after Tate's (fruitless) tries to play a seal and catch things with his mouth, the sofa looked as though an atomic-war has raged on it, or a small hurricane has swept it. It was pretty annoying and disconcerting, although neither Tate nor Lulu seemed to notice the mess they've made. They were all cuddly, and giggly, and... well, disgusting is one way to call them. Irritating is another. I can keep on, and on... and on.

So, after I kicked them out of the house (Go me!), I started looking for a way to fix their mess... And came up with nada. Zero. I mean, come on... What do i know about sofa cleaning? It's not like i do it regularly, or anything! I've read that a once over with the vacuum cleaner might keep the... what was that word... hmm... upholstered (smart Marlowe) furniture looking nicer for longer. But how long is long, really? And what's with the whole "Use the appropriate tools and try to get right into all the nooks and crannies." while cleaning the sofa? I mean, come on... That makes me think of the moon, and its craters and staff... But maybe I'm just over-imaginative! Whatever the reason, there's one thing I know for certain: even after your sofa gets beyond dust and into undeniable stains, there are still ways of making it clean again... But you should check the label first, because if you do it wrong, well... Let's just say it might end up costing you a lot of money!

So, no way I'm letting Tate and Lulu clean the sofa, even though it is their mess! Between the 2 of them, I'd rather go and buy a new one right now!

What, you think I'm mistaken? I dare you to tell me otherwise! Dare you!

Good. So we understand each-other.

Now... let's go and find me some good and cheap sofa cleaners. 

And while we're on it... Someone in the mood for a tango? I've been taking lessons! If you don't say, I won't as well!

The Wise Man's Call

Title reference: "The Wise Man's Fear" by Patrick Rothfuss

***

Do you see the funny looking fella in the photo above? You do? Good, cos' that's what Tate looked like the whole of yesterday morning and most of the afternoon as well. He sat on the couch, bare feet on the coffee table (which SO goes on the list of things Tate is forbidden to do, when we move in together!), flipping the channels of the TV over and over again (what is so tough about picking a cartoon to watch... I have no idea!) and throwing popcorn at himself, trying to catch them with his mouth (again, a total failure). I think that at one point I was actually contemplating murder, but managed to subdue the urge on time. Almost. I might have thrown an empty ketchup bottle at Tate's head, but hey... 1) he doesn't really use it and 2) it's too thick anyway. So don't judge, OK?

Back on topic, at the end Tate settled on re-runs of "Dexter's Laboratory" ("Hey, Marl", he calls me. "Come watch Dexter, dude!" And I think "O, great... serial killer show!" But, as "Little Britain" 's one and only Carol Beer would say: "Computer says no!"), which must have lasted for almost 2 hours... By the time the kiddies' program was done, I felt like my IQ has dropped with 100 points. And, yes, I'm aware of what I just wrote!

Still, the day's misfortunes did not end with that. Just when I thought that nothing else could happen, Tate's phone started ringing (Surprisingly to the ring-tone of Ryan Adams' song "Come Pick Me Up") and he picked up... Only to hear his big bro's voice on the other end of the receiver! Now, let me explain...

His brother Doug (yes, they all have 4-letter names. Easy to remember) is a manager in a large company, regularly hosting or attending a conference call... meeting or whatever! Yes, he is the golden child of the family. So, he wants to "inspire" Tate to follow in his steps... And he thought the best way to do it is to put him in on a conference call, explaining to him the basic tips on hosting one beforehand.

Naturally, Tate put him on "Speaker", so I got to listen in on the whole thing...

So, before the call you should book the conference room and a dial in number. Check. Tate, pay attention! Double check them before the call. OK. Make sure you send the agenda in advance. It has to contain the specific points of discussion during the call. Got it!   In case you are hosting the call dial in at least five minutes before its start. It is a must to never keep call attendants waiting...

And Tate went to get more peanuts. Or to the John. A great executive he will be, o yeah! And Santa's real! 

Doug waited. I waited. Tate came back and his brother jumped in from right where he left off... During the call you should greet each of the participants and introduce yourself. Before the start of discussion, make a roll and see the present and missing partcipants. Follow the agenda list during discussion. Take notes for each of the agenda items...

Switch the TV off, Tate! Yes, now. No, you can't wait for Scooby Doo to finish!

...and stick to the published points of discussion. The call should end positively.

After the call you should publish minutes of the meeting, which have to include attendees, takeaways, issues discussed, etc. Send the meeting’s brief on the same day, because people tend to forget the topics discussed during a session. Do not forget to check all topics have been covered. 

Great, that didn't sound so hard now, did it! Tate? Tate?! What do you mean you already forgot the first part?! It's simple... O, forget it! 

No, not you, Doug!

Man, I'm so happy I'm not a member of that family! Film them, and you'd have a cartoon of your own! And it will be legen..

Yes, Tate, you could say! 

"Legendary!"

Black Dust Cleaning

Title reference: "Black Dust Mambo" by Adrian Phoenix

***

Tate slept on my couch yet again. Apparently, his landlord refused to give him a new key, after he lost the last one, pointing out that it's "your 5th this month!" I mean, come on, how do you lose 5 keys in a month? It's 1.Something lost keys every week... So I asked Tate where does he keep his key-chain? And you know what he told me (and I quote):

"What key-chain?"

O, geez! Guess we'd have to set yet another set of rules for when we move to our mutual place... By this moment, the list's growing pretty long.

1. Don't invite Lulu and hot-but-whacko over... for any reason possible! If I have to go through another night of "cleaning wonders" I'd probably go nuts myself!

2. Never, ever play that horrible "Glee" song again! Yes, Tate, you know which one! What's wrong with you?!

3. Put beer in the fridge, chips - in your mouth. The point of the "exercise" is to eat most of it, not end up covered in it!

4. Buy a key-chain... and tie it around your neck, so you don't lose it! Along with your head, that is.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg! Trust me, if I was to post the whole list, it will go from here to... China, or something!

Anyway, as you could probably guess, talking to Tate is like talking to a wall... Only the level of understanding is lower! I mean, walls keep quiet... Tate, on the other hand, feels it appropriate to share every thought that passes through his head. Luckily, there aren't many of those! Still, when they reek their ugly heads out...

Last week we're sitting in an Irish pub, minding our own business, when this Irish dude comes and asks if he can join us. He brings Guinness, so, naturally, we call him our new "best mate" and invite him over! Anyway, 5 minutes in the conversation, Tate gets this cocky expression and says his gonna' tell us a funny Irish-related joke. In an Irish pub. Full of Irish men. O, dear...

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up : "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose."

"I'm sorry sir, I..."

"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

Tate finishes his joke, laughing like a mad man. He was the only one. The nice Irish fellas... Well they weren't so small! Not at all!

Anyway, my point is, setting up logical rules for Tate is almost impossible. He just forgets them. Just like today. I went out for a jog and came back to find Lulu and Tate playing "slap and tickle" on the couch (and they did it literally... Apparently, the concept of an "expression" is not very clear to them!) and on the comfy chair...

Hot-but-creepy glared at me with eyes that I imagined burned like embers. Remember Dark Willow from "Buffy"? When she skins Jonathan alive with a wave of her hand? Well, I think hot-but-o-so-boring was trying to do the same to me! And it almost worked...

Still, I toughened up and, after making coffee for everyone (Tate is not allowed anywhere near the coffee machine), put away my displeasure and set on the couch, a little away from Tate and Lulu who were trying to untangle from each-other. Which would have been simple, if... O, forget it! Anyway, she-whose-name-I-don't-care-to-remember thought it would only be appropriate (so early in the morning!) to smack us all with one of her "amazing" cleaning lectures. Lord Almighty! So she looked around...

...and started telling us all about the 5 places you'd never remember to clean!

1. The oven - even the best of housewives, suffering from some sort of cleaning disorder, would not remember to put their head in the oven and scrub out all the little pieces of exploded turkey off the top of the oven. It is just a human respond not to...Wait, what, Tate? You did it for fun?! To see what it's like to be in a tunnel?! Are you mad?!

2. Washing Machine. You may forget this one, but when your white t-shirts start coming out black, or grey, you'd remember it... And you'd be sorry! (Not as I am for ever going out with you, cleaning-freaky-chic!)

3. Kitchen pantry. What old, old vegetable preservers lurk there? No one knows. (And no one cares!)

4. Bathroom floor. Yes, no one remembers to clean there... Maybe it's the idea of scrubbing off husband's chest hair, or wifey's leg hair that appals us? (My, that woman is... I'm lost for words!)

5. Underneath the bed. Maybe there's a monster in there...? (Yes, too much Everlast!)

Anyway, by the time boring-and-demanding was done talking, I wished I could just call an oven cleaning London company, or something, and just have her shut up! Lulu and Tate, on the other hand, thought that those "facts" were "really cool"... 

Yes, they were. And the Easter Bunny is my friend.

Give me a break!