The Hundred Thousand Calls

Title reference: "The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms" by N. K. Jemisin

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So, during the weekend Tate's relationship with Lulu went from serious to "O-Hell-that's-serious" (yes, how it could happen in a couple of days is a mystery beyond me!) mode, which means that she calls him 15 times a day, for whatever pops in that beauty-stylist brain of hers! Ever wondered what beauty-stylists think about? What? Molecular Biology?! Tate, have you listened to a word Lulu says? Hair-dying is not biology! Geez! Anyway, so yesterday, while Tate was showering in my bathroom, due to the fact that he lost his key and couldn't get into his apartment before his landlord came back from the countryside on Monday (today), Lulu rang his phone. Once. Twice. Three times. By the fifth time I was ready to start pulling at my hair, so I did the inevitable...

I picked up the phone, pressed "Speak" and said "Hello?"

Stunned silence. Confusion, that you could feel even through the cell-phone. Then.

"Is this Tate's phone?"

No, it's my aunt Molly, picking up flowers in her garden. O, my! "Yes", I said in a neutral tone. "Marlowe here."

I swear to you, I could hear her thinking and trying to remember who the hell I was. No luck there. "Um... is this Tate's phone?"

O, Jesus! "Tate's in the shower." And these are 4 words I never imagined I would have to say. To anyone or for any reason. "I'll tell him you called..."

"Wanna' hear a joke?" She asked out of the blue, making me almost choke on the gum I was rotating through my mouth.

"Excuse me?!"

"I called to tell Tate a joke... Wonna' hear it?" Did I really? I'm fairly certain that the correct answer was "no" or "Hell no!"... But still I sighed and said "Sure". Now she got excited!

"What's pink and fluffy?" She asks, her voice giddy and filled with laughter. Yes, I know this joke. I hate this joke. Still, I try to be polite and play dumb, saying.

"I dunno..."

"A pink fluff!" Then she starts laughing like a maniac, which makes me think that she is not only not-so-hot, but also not-so-smart as well. Luckily, 2 can play this game.

"What's blue and fluffy?" I ask in a dry voice. Puzzled silence. Poor thing, I believe she was completely out of her league on this one! So I provide the answer. "Pink fluff holding it's breath."

More awkward silence. Then. "I don't understand... Was that supposed to be funny?"

O, why bother? "Forget it", I say and let out a deep sigh. "Tate should be out in 5. Call him then!"

We hung up and I vowed to myself that I will never, ever pick up Tate's phone again. Unfortunately, Lulu had other plans. Today, this morning to be precise, she called Tate at about 8 am... And then asked him to put me in for a conference call, so that we could all "chat"? I mean... Seriously? Of course Tate, being Tate, woke me up, instead of telling her that she's out of her mind... Then the conference call had to be put in motion. And, naturally, none of them had any idea how to do it. So, sleepy or not, I had to take them through all the basics and (what a shock!) it turned out that they both needed extra time then most people to get it!

Talk about soulmates!

So, what do you do to add a third party to your call? Well, for one thing, the first receiver should hold on to the call for a minute (that was Tate). Meanwhile, Lulu had to search for the "Menu" button on her phone and after finding it, which was no easy task, press it to choose an option on the screen of her phone.

I think by this time, they were both really confused, but still I kept on explaining. Go through the options. Select "New Call" and a blank dialling screen will appear. Enter the second phone number and add the person to your conversation. Now, press the "Call" or "Send" button. Then wait for the 3rd party (me) to answer... Here, did it! Now press "Join" and the three of us can talk to each-other. Yes, it's a dream come true! I can talk to Tate over the phone, while he's lying on the couch in the other room. O, my...

I'm honestly scared what will happen if those 2 ever decided to make international conference calls! That will either be the end of my intelligence...

...or the end of the world as we know it!