Title reference: “The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe” by Douglas Adams
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Have you ever had a clingy girlfriend, who thinks that stealing your spare key and making a copy of it for herself is romantic and not... Creepy. Weird. The work of a professional stalker. You have? Great, cos' so have I! And, I can tell you hear and now, I did not enjoy all of the attention. Sure, it was fun in the beginning – her bringing me breakfast in bed, and offering to “help” me in the shower, and cooking dinner even when I was planning to order pizza, - but then just got too much. Calling 30 times a day to ask what I am doing, even though she knows I'm at work. Re-arranging the apartment, so that there would be space for her collection of stuffed-toy piglets (seriously,who needs 20 of those?!). Following me around wherever I go, as if I can't go to the John on my own (which I can... duh!). And so on, and so on, until I felt like I was trapped and she was a member of the Inquisition. No, wait... I take that back! I would have welcomed the Inquisition! At least they wouldn't want to “shower you with love and tickles!” I mean... seriously?
If you're a guy and you're trapped in the nightmare of a girl-fiendish Mary Sue, then here are a few tips how to chase her away and NOT need to change your name, address, passport and social registration.
First thing you do, is make sure she knows how MUCH she reminds you of your mother! The way she walks,talks, cooks, dresses... She kisses you before bad and you reminisce of how your mummy used to kiss you before bedtime. If she's crazy enough to take it as a compliment, go for the kill and say that “You're so much like my mother... Only less gracious and kind of meaner!” Or something to that effect!
If step one fails, then you should take the stakes higher and 1) tell her you'll take her out for a “night to remember”... only to end up dead-drunk in a second grade bar with no ventilation, where all of your buddies gather to play pool and watch rugby; 2) promise her an evening of “sweet love” and romance... Only to spoil the mood with Korn, NHL re-runs on TV, junk food and a pair of old briefs that you wore in college... Trust, boxers are killers, briefs are mood-killers!
If none of the above helps, then do the ultimate sacrifice and offer to help her clean her apartment. Then make sure that by the time she chases you out with the broomstick, she'd already be in desperate need of after builders cleaning services! Which,of course, you are not going to pay. Well, unless she hires a lawyer, but they rarely go for that...Usually pinching your doll with needles is satisfaction enough!
Use those tips carefully and with caution. And remember, if all of the former fail, then you're left with 2 choices, and 2 choices only:
Merry Mary Sue or move to a Third world country, where she would never find you...
...unless she has a really large world-map!
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