Eat, Pray, Clean

“Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia” by Elizabeth Gilbert

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So, last night, as me and Tate were hanging in the pub getting boozed, we had the strangest of occurrences happen. A hot girl walked to our table and asked if we wanna’ hang out with her and her not-so-hot friend Lulu, who, apparently, was named after her mum’s favorite singer - Lulu (for a reference, see the movie “To Sir with Love”. There’s a 99.9% chance that your mum has it in her private collection!). Naturally, we said “Sure!” and joined the ladies at their table. Secretly, we exchanged messages and Tate agreed to serve as my “wing-man” for the night. Yes, he did a lousy job at it! Remember when I said that he reminds me of Ted from “How I Met Your Mother”? Well, I changed my mind! Tate’s no Ted! He’s a 100% Marshall! (And if you’ve followed the series, you would know what that means!).

The conversation was kind of dead from the starting point, except for Tate telling the o so clichéd muffin joke…

“So there’s these 2 muffins in an oven.

They’re both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells “God Damn, it’s hot in here!”

And the other muffin replies “Holy Crap, a talking muffin!”

…which neither of the o not so bright ladies got, without additional explaining. Then Tate’s “amazing” wing-man abilities kicked in and if we’d been bored before, now we all had a reason to be embarrassed as well! Luckily, Lulu’s friend (who’s name I can’t remember for the life of me!) was naive enough to fall for his tricks, so before you could say “silly Sally wanna’ rally” (yes, Tate thought that was “the coolest!”) I was heading home with hot chic, while he stayed behind with not-so-hot chic. Sadly, as it usually happen, “hot” did not go hand in hand with “smart”, “interesting” and “pleasant”. On the contrary, really. Whatever-her-name-is could put you to sleep just by opening her mouth. And it was a big mouth!

Anyway, it turned out she’s a maid who does cleanings services (no, not the woman from the corner! Not a maid, people!). And whose idea of pillow-talk involves “amazing” cleaning facts (um… what?) and “not-so-amazing” cleaning facts (again… um, what?). So, you wanna’ know how she tried to set the mood? I’d take you through the process, step by step:

1. Stripping her coat off <-> amazing cleaning fact the 1st: your kitchen is the dirties place in your house. Filthy! Apparently, your sink is dirtier than your toilet, unless of course you neglected to flush. Bacteria are everywhere and if you wanna’ get rid of them, don’t just use kitchen spray like a weapon! Spray the dirty surfaces, then watch TV for 15-20 minutes, then give the surface a good scrub, before wiping it with a clean cloth. Yes, if you’re still awake, you know exactly how I felt!

2. Sipping wine, while playing with her hair <-> amazing cleaning fact the 2nd: your sofa (we were sitting on it!) s a breeding ground for dust mites, particles and microscopic allergy-causing specimen. Professional sofa cleaning or a dedicated afternoon hoovering session is required to get rid of these. The Victorian bashing of household furnishings with a feather-duster is also helpful here. Imagine all those stray hairs and little particles of dead skin leaving your home. The thought is positively uplifting. And definitely mood-killing!

3. Unbuttoning her shirt and letting her scarf fall down <-> amazing cleaning fact the 3rd: Most adults spend at least 8 hours per week cleaning, but when you have children that time will surely increase 4-5 times! (children?! who said anything about children?!) So, instead of wasting your time, do the efficient thing and hire a domestic cleaning company to do the dirty work for you! Who knows, you might even get the time to go to a bar! (Yes, none of that helped set the mood)

4. Playing “kisses and tickles” (which was a disaster altogether, because I don’t like being tickled and fell of the sofa!) <-> amazing cleaning fact the 4th (as if I cared, after hitting my head on the coffee table!): Club soda is amazing for cleaning emergencies! Apply club soda on your clothes ,or for sofa or carpet cleaning and gently dab away the stain with a clean cloth… Or just wrap ice in the cloth and press it against my temple! Ouch!

5. Unbuttoning my shirt (I just wanna’ go to bed!) <-> amazing cleaning fact the 5th: dirt comes form the outside! Take your shoes off when you enter the house… O, man, seriously? That was her grand finale?! No, keep your hands off me you… you…

As you’ve probably guessed already, nothing happened. I’m-so-boring-it-makes-you-wanna’-die girl left with a pout and a “I know where you live!” threat (no, nothing psychotic about it! Nothing… Man, she’s creepy!) and I went to bed, with a big smile on my face and an even bigger bump on my head!

This morning Tate called me to say he “scored” with not-so-hot chic. Apparently, listening to Tate That and Lulu’s “Relight My Fire” does miracles for a man’s ego! I told him I’m glad he had fun and hope he and Lulu keep seeing each-other. Just leave me out of it. I want nothing to do with Not-so-hot and Hot-but-crazy. Especially the latter. Seriously, if I ever need to do any cleaning again, I’d just hire professional cleaning services!

But 1st, I need to change the lock on my door. I seem to have lost my keys…

…and fear that hot-and-creepy might have found them in her purse!