The Cleaning Rebellion

Title reference: "The Spirit Rebellion" by Rachel Aaron

***

Have you ever seen an elephant in a Chinese store, "gracefully" dancing around all the "do-not-touch" merchandise? You haven't, have you? Well, neither have I, but I've seen Tate try to pull something similar and... Let's just say that it cost us more to pay for the damage, then if we had actually bought something! Which might have been acceptable, if the result wasn't almost identical, no matter where we went! Even at home, Tate has the ability to cause a disaster! You don't believe me?

Well, picture this then! An antique leather chair, that my dad brought us as an early Christmas gift. The X Factor on TV. A big plate of Spaghetti Bolognese. And Tate running and jumping in the chair, so that he doesn't miss anything... The final result? A huge cleaning mess, that can only be solved through some professional sofa cleaning services! Or, and that's a big "OR", through the use of some simple upholstery cleaning, Do-It-Yourself tips, that I'm not sure if I want to experiment with! Still, if I were to give them a try...

First thing to remember is that liquid spills, with the exception of red wine and coffee, are suitable for Do-It-Yourself cleaning! A mere household cleaning solution or upholstery shampoo (whatever that may be) will usually do the trick! Apply it as soon as possible after the spill, work it into the fabric, and use a damp rag to blot out the liquid. You can repeat this procedure as many times as is necessary to remove the stain and discolouration, changing your cloth as often as needs be in removing any dark patches. 

Of course, there are some messes, that would take a bit more effort to clean... And Tate's done all of them! Food spills, pet mess, chewing gum... you name it! My buddy's been all over the place, making sure nothing stays as clean as it should be! These types of stains are easily mashed into the fabric of the upholstery, making them harder to clean, even by a professional home cleaning company with the proper chemicals and equipment. So, imagine what chance I've got? I'd say somewhere between zero to none... Still, supposedly, the best thing to do with these more heavy duty spills is to remove as much of the mess as possible without further soiling your upholstery or pushing it deeper into the fabric. If it works out for you, let me know!

Bottom line is, professional sofa cleaning London company available when DIY cleaning is insufficient is your best bet, to get your furniture back into shape, before you've got people coming over, or they end up as stained and... umm... unpleasant to look at, as a baby's dippers! You don't believe me? Well, you should have seen the furniture in my old home...

To call them "unpleasant" to behold would be an understatement! And that was before Tate started hanging around 24/7!

Aye, aye, aye!

The Roomies of Grace Adieu

Title reference: "The Ladies of Grace Adieu" by Susanna Clarke

***

Tate's mum stopped by for a visit this past Wednesday and stayed for a couple of days, making our (er... my!) lives really miserable! Remember that song "Manic Monday" by The Bangles? Well, let's just say that it was Manic Wednesday, then Manic Thursday and, if she hadn't booked her return ticket prior to her arrival, it would have been a Manic Weekend, that would have probably driven me insane! 

It's almost ironic, really! You've read those news articles, stating things in the vain of that the average British household is as busy as it has ever been, yes? Supposedly, recession-strapped parents have taken on secondary employment to generate extra cash. Kids are involved in all sorts of extracurricular activities, seemingly with the aim of educating them beyond their parents’ current financial troubles, and so on...

Well, I can tell you now that either Tate's family is much wealthier than he says, or his mum is completely unmoved by the financial crisis and everything that comes along with it! The woman is a hurricane, or a Fury, whichever is scarier, and I pray for anyone foolish enough to dare "scorn" her!

Still, I like to try and stay positive, and believe that the Tates, as I personally call them, are not the rule, but more of the exception to it! Hopefully, the normal modern family had little time for unnecessary domestic tasks, and the little jobs which would have been performed by mum or dad a generation ago are frequently outsourced. Over is the "bring me the newspaper and slippers" routine, that places the woman only a little step ahead of the dog in the hierarchy! The missus has gradually moved to become if not an equal, then actually a leading source of income for the family! (You think I'm joking?! Just look at your own boss... Or is she a lady-boss?) Anyway, whatever you or your wife are working, it's a fact that middle-class British households employ an increasing number of unnecessary domestic tasks, and the little jobs which would have been performed by mum or dad a generation ago are frequently outsourced.

Which is not that bad of a thing, if you're a "once upon a time" housewife, I guess! You're tired of sofa cleaning? Well, then it's time to get professionals to do the dirty job for you!

Or even better... You can try hiring one of those rigid and thoroughly British nannies and butlers (anyone thinking of... Sebastian?!) that have been so popular in Englishmen's imagination since the Victorian era! The economic principles behind the current trend for employing domestic assistance, however, are much different than the somewhat dated image of Jeeves the butler that we’re all so accustomed to. 

 Why is that so? I'll give you a hint - does... freedom of migration from Eastern Europe sound familiar to you? No? Then maybe you should think about the European Union... and all the foreigners it granted free entrance to the British Isles! Plumbers, builders, lorry drivers, maids and other domestic cleaning professionals came in spades. The effect was a significant decrease in the price of domestic assistance and blue collar personnel, making these services more widely available than ever before. So, if you have an old, rugged sofa and wish it clean... just go get yourself some professional sofa cleaners! Why do it yourself, when you can have someone do it for you?

Anyway, it is a fact that the rush of Eastern Europeans looking for employment in the service industry has been larger in the capital, then anywhere else! I hear that last time they checked, it was estimated that upwards of a million foreign nationals live and work on a day to day basis in London! Which... sounds kind of scary, doesn't it?

Still, if you've been wondering whether you can afford to get a second job, then I suggest you re-estimate your finances and the idea of taking on low-cost nannies or other assistance! The result is great for the economy, as you contribute to another person’s livelihood while being given a better chance to pursue your own.

Which is nothing more, but the pompous way of me saying that I'd rather pay to a maid to keep the house clean, then have Tate's mum come over once a week to put her "baby's staff in order"! Now that latter part is simply scaring me out of my wits...

Hot-but-nameless-or-whatever... Now's your chance to save the day!

And here I was thing that I'd never have to say those words!

The Horns of Cleaning

Title reference: "The Horns of Ruin" by Tim Akers

***

Have you noticed how fast the years fly by? Looking at the calendar now, I see it's almost 31 of December, 2010, and... Well, it seems like it was yesterday, when I was standing drunk and happy with Tate and our friends, singing “Happy New Year” from the top of our lungs, as we rose our glasses to salute 2010. Yes, the almost gone 2010. Time is such an elusive thing, isn't it?

So, in honour of that, let's have a little reminisce about this (almost) past year's beginning...

So, where do we start from? O, yeah, the Party! There's always a part, right? So, let's try to remember a bit more about it... O, yeah, here are those memories! So, the party started at the local pub, where all of us (Um... me and Tate) usually gather, and there was dancing, and music, and laughter. There was comfort and joy, as the song goes. Then came the new year and we moved the party to a more private location... (Tate's old apartment!) By the morning it was time for everyone to go and for us, your friendly neighbourhood party-hosts, to take a look around the house and say “O, my... What a mess!”. Spilled wine. Food on the carpet. Champaign on the missus' (my dreaded Ex) brand new Donna Karan dress. Needless to say, the latter needed to be replaced with an exact replica. But the carpet... Are we going to buy a new carpet every time the night gets wild?

No? O, well, I didn't think so! Is the lady of the house going to scrub at the stains until her hands fall out and she's so grumpy one glance can turn a perfectly good bottle of Burgundy wine into turpentine? I guess the answer is “No” again. As every sensible man knows, the key to happy home is a happy wife/girlfriend! So there's only one choice left to get out of the mess as swiftly as possible...

Finding the perfect cleaning company to do the “dirty work” for you.

Now, that may sound as a tough job to do, but it's actually quite simple, especially if you are in London. Yes, folks, the beautiful capitol of England can provide you not only with some of the best tea in the world, but also with wide variety of carpet cleaning London retailers, who'd be able to do miracles for that ruined carpet of yours. You just have to make sure you choose your carpet cleaning services carefully and with an open mind. You do not want to get cheated, right? So make sure you go to one of the big and more popular retailers.

O, on the question of that Donna Karan dress. You'd better not be thinking what I think you're thinking. It will not get like new again in the same way the carpet would!

Nice try, though.

The Gaslight Cleaner

Title reference: "The Gaslight Dogs" by Karin Lowachee

***

"Hey, Pete", Tate said happily, as Sofocle the o-so-not-trained puppy jumped around at his feet. "Wanna' try to teach lil' pup here a trick, cos' I'm miserably failing!"

I scowled at him, before asking in a tone, that clearly showed my irritation with him:

"Hey, Tate, here's a tough one for you: What should you know before you teach your puppy a new trick?"

"Um... I dunno'..."

"You should know more than your puppy!"

He just blinked at me. Point proven. I sighed and looked at the little troublemaker, who was waving his tail at me, jumping happily, and giving me a very, very dull look. They say that dog-owners look like their dogs, right? Well, apparently the same thing goes for the dos as well! Tate's... "brilliantness", if you would call it that, was rubbing off on Sofocle big time! Add mama Lulu to the mix and her Hot-but-dull-to-the-core-of-her-cleaner's-being friend, and you have an exasperating combination! O, poor me!

Still, truthfully speaking, having a puppy is wonderful. The mess it makes around the house is not! Remember the famous video for Queen's "I Want to Break Free" song? Well, unless someone in the household is ready to play Freddie's role, then you're in real trouble! And I'd be damned, before I put on a pink apron! Still, unfortunately, when you take a puppy, you're in for at least 3 months of cleaning pee and poo off the floor, carpets and, occasionally, even the walls. Walk the dog, change the litter or sweep out the hamster cage, but if animal stains are a part of your house cleaning routine, then you'll need to do some adjusting... And probably getting used to the idea, that at one point or another you'll need an army of the professional cleaners London has to offer! 

Anyway, back on topic (err... sort of)... For the last couple of days I've been trying to convince Tate that speciality pet stores will stock puppy-pads for small dogs and other household pets. Those cost about 10p each and will last at least a day or two, depending on the size of your pet. Training is essential for these to work (and I still think that Tate needs more training then Sofocle does!), but if you can get your puppy into the habit of using the pet pads, it will save you a lot of time and your beds, carpets, cushions and furniture a serious mess.

Still, with a puppy like Sofocle who tends to make unexpected messes all over the place (carpets, walls and, as soon as he figures out a way to defy gravity, ceilings), a more serious approach is needed. Speciality stain removal products are needed. Pet centres and specialty cleaning websites stock cleaning products specifically designed for dealing with pet mess. (Yeah, what can't you find on the Internet these days? No, seriously?!) If you are lucky enough to have your animal do its business on the bathroom or kitchen tiles, house cleaning bleach will do. (Um... we've got none, of course!) If animal stains end up on your carpets or furniture, invest in a specialty cleaning solution. If an accident happens and you aren't prepared, white vinegar diluted with water is great for urine stains. (And the fact that I know that is simply sad... Pete needs to get out more!) It helps to break down the stain and will make it easier to scrub out any discolouration that is left over from your pet. For animal poo stains, remove any solids first and use a cotton wall bud to swab away excess soiling. 

Got it? "Cotton wall bud", "swab", "excess soiling"... I honestly admit that I read that last part on the Internet! If someone would be willing to give me a hint what in the world it means... I'd be really happy! Especially having in mind that Sofocle just ran off into the bedroom...

Tate, get the damn dog out of there!

Geez!

Anyone else thinking about "The Happiest Song in the World" by Bald Travolta right now? You are?! Good, cos' so am I... So am I...

The Killing Call

Title reference: "The Killing Dance" by Laurell K. Hamilton

***

Tate's been on a mission to call his sister Lily, who lives in Canada, since 6:00 am this morning, although so far his success rate hasn't been higher than that of a teenager trying to hit on his young Psychology teacher! (Yes, I do speak from experience... but Miss Lesslie was worth every penny I spent on flowers and apples! That is, until it turned out that's she's a part of a bank-robbing gang! Then I wanted my money back!) Anyway, Tate, being Tate, tried everything possible to contact his sister... Then he woke me up to ask what's the password for the wireless, but hey, it's the thought that counts, right? Still, if he'd managed to establish a connection, with no Internet on... I'd have proclaimed him a genius! Now... Well, "genius" is not the first word that comes to my mind. It's not even the second... or third...

Wow, I'd say "genius" as a description is pretty low on my list! Who'd have guessed, huh?

But back on topic, once the connection was established (guess our password and I'd give you a cookie!) we had a moment of wondering how does those cheap international calls that everyone talks about work? I mean, I know that Tate's brother was trying to explain to us something similar a while back, but... I don't generally make an effort to remember things I won't immediately need. What? What?! Sue me!

Anyway, that whole topic reminds me of a certain (dull, long and funny!) joke I heard once, a long, long time ago... OK, it wasn't that long ago really, but still... All good stories start with a "Once upon a time", right? So... here goes nothing:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.


Man: "Hello?"


Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"


Man: "Yes."


Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it, sweetie?"


Man: "Sure... go ahead if you like it that much. I want you to be happy."


Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. It's a beautiful silver."


Man: "How much?"


Woman: "$60,000"


Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."


Woman: "Great! Oh, and just one more thing... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."


Man: "Wow, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer $895,000."


Woman: "Okay. Thank you darling -- you're wonderful! I'll see you later! I love you!"


Man: "Bye, I love you too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.


Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

O, my, just thinking about that joke makes me laugh to tears! I can totally picture Tate doing something similar... if he ever went to a golf club, that is! Anyway, a bit more seriously now: we made an on-line search and came up with some simple ways to make calls and save money, without worrying about the connection!

As it turns out, modern telecommunication industry cares a lot (or as much as any industry could "care" about anyone's needs!) about its customers' needs and requirements for quality calls at low prices.

The only requirement to take advantage of them is to follow the new trends in VoIP services, allowing you to make cheap international calls! The advantage of VoIP technology is that it can provide different kinds of calling plans all depending on the consumers’ demands. And for sure it is not complicated at all to be used. (Well, Tate would beg to differ, but he'd have a problem switching the lamp on, if you don't show him how to do it... Some husband he'll make!) However most of the providers require from the user to register in order to get an account, there are also some providers that offer the trial for free, or give unlimited access.

To summarise, as I understand it, thanks to the great development in the telecommunication industry, making international calls and staying in touch with your partners, friends, relatives and so on is easy from any place and at any time!

More importantly, the modern technology for cheap international calls with your mobile phone does not require WiFi, 3G or any other internet connection.

Which leads to one very important question: Tate, why in the world did you need the wireless to call your sister?!

To quote a popular song by certain female-fronted band:

If this is communication
I disconnect
I’ve seen you, I know you
But I don’t know
How to connect, so I disconnect

(To those who may concern: "certain" band is The Cardigans and the song is called "Communication"!)

The Cleaning Lens

Title reference: "The Spirit Lens" by Carol Berg

***

O, man, talk to me about having a bad day! The new house is a disaster, the curtains are torn to shreds, and there is Hot-and-o-too-cleaning-obsessed sleeping in my bed, as though it is hers! Geez, what a way to end the week! I've never considered myself a really "good" person, but that... I don't deserve it! I feel like I'm stuck in some cheap pop song... Like that old 90's hymn "Loser" by Beck. Quite a genius, that dude! If there was ever a song to describe my current situation, it would definitely be this one!

Yo. cut it.

I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

So, how did I get here? And why is everything upside down?! Well, followers and random stumblers, to answer that question, we'd have to turn the clock back a few hours and follow the day as it unfolds.

***

7:13 am

The alarm-clock went nuts, with that awful Irene Cara song from "Flashdance"... um... "What a Feeling" blowing the stereo so hard, that it threatened to bring down the house. Together with Tate, me and Lulu in it! Rolling off of bed (and almost crashing to the floor!) I managed to silence that little tormentor and got up, feeling almost as depressed and unhappy, as an old bachelor, who's worked in a cleaning company for the last 30 years of his life! And that's a long time!

8:25 am

Finally out of the house and off to run errands! I have a busy schedule today, though no one seems to believe me! What, do I look like a person who wastes all his time doing... nothing?! So not true! So, so even! Anyway, before I left the house, I ran into Lulu, who seemed very... distressed. 

Me: What's wrong?

Lulu: I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Me: (dead silent)

9:47 am

Meeting with my old landlord. Now that we've started working on the new house, it's time to put an end to any relationship between us. I've kept written records about any property damage, and have an inventory statement; I've stuck to our rental agreement and been a model tenant. (OK, not really, but keep that between us!) So, now that I'm officially moving out, I wanted to take my deposit back! It turned out I've neglected to read one part of the rental agreement - cleaning the property for future tenants. However that step is not very clear...

9:55 am

Called She-who-knows-all-about-cleaning-and-boring--you-to-death (Geez, that turned out long!) and asked her about the tenancy agreement. As it turns out, all tenancy agreements have an end clause saying that at the conclusion of the occupancy, the tenant must pay to professionally clean the premises so the property can be rented to others. It is essential to complete this last step before vacating the premises. Failure to do so is a breach of contract and the landlord has the right to withhold the tenant's deposit if the latter fails to clean the property.

Still, as She-whose-name-I-don't-remember noted, there is a fine line between what you're responsible for and what you're not. (If you ask me, I shouldn't be responsible at all, as Tate's around all the time, but... Tell that to the landlord!) So, here are a few points she made, that will allow you to understand your rights when cleaning your property. 

1) Your landlord cannot keep your security deposit for "normal wear and tear". Examples of "normal wear and tear" are a scuffed finish on wooden floors, worn carpet and chipped or faded paint.

2) The landlord is allowed to withhold the cost of repairing damages beyond "normal wear and tear". Some examples of common damages include broken windows, pen marks or holes on the walls or leaving rubbish or other items that need to be disposed off. If you made the flat or apartment so dirty that it is unsanitary or dangerous, the landlord may subtract the cost of making it livable again from your deposit.

Naturally, me being me, I told all that to the landlord. Bad idea. Guess if I got my deposit back, or not...

10:49 am

Called one of the finest window cleaning London based company and made an appointment, so that we could have the windows to the new house cleaned. Tate trying to do the job is SO not working!

A few hours of nothing significant enough to mention...

16:35 pm

I got back to the house, to find a few things in a row: 1) the whole house turned upside down; 2) Boring-chic-no-name sleeping in my bed; 3) the curtains in the living room torn to shreds and lying on the floor... And a funny looking, ill-tempered, few months old husky looking at me, as if I'd stepped on its turf and am getting on its nerves. For a few moments there I just stared at it in shock. Then I had a scary thought...

Could that be...

"Pete... meet Sofocle!" Tate said cheerfully from behind me! "He's a bit... wild..."

"You don't say", was all I managed to squeeze out between clenched teeth, before taking another look at the puppy, and doing the only thing I could think if in those circumstances.

I punched Tate in the nose.

An Artificial Cleaning

Title reference: "An Artificial Night" by Seanan McGuire

***

Ah, Grandma's old rug! How cool would it be to put it under the new poster of "The Walking Dead" that I just stick to the wall?! Sure, it's kind of rugged (he he Got it? The "rug" is kind of "rugged"!), but it's no big deal! Nothing that a good, professional rug cleaning London company (yes, those do exist! What... did you think it's just a joke?!) couldn't deal with! Besides, it creates a sense of... "hominess" (put the dictionary down, there's no such word!) that my previous place lacked! Nothing says "home", like Gran's rug... or honey-cake! O, that honey-cake... 

Anyway, all those thoughts were running through my head, while me and Tate were putting our new house ("our" in a very pure, non-platonic and non-sexual buddy-buddy way!) together! Naturally, we weren't making much progress, as Tate's idea of "putting things together" is to throw everything at random cupboards, or just let it lie on the ground, or on the bed, or in the sink, or... You get the idea! Pretty much, we were making a bigger mess, then the newly emptied house already was! Ever heard that old joke:

The trouble with owning a home is that no matter where you sit, you're looking at something you should be doing.

No? Well, read it carefully, because it IS true! Very, very, painfully true, actually! And following the dude on the picture's example (bare feet on table, beer in one hand, a piece of pizza - in the other) does not help to move things along at all! No, sir! So, at the end, after wasting most of our day drinking and eating, and watching re-runs of "The Walking Dead", we decided we could use some help...

In came Lulu and What-was-her-name-again-hotty, both not very happy to see me, but ready and willing to help Tate (he does a great impression of Shrek's Puss in Boots' innocent kitty-cat eyes... even over the phone!), who at that very moment was sprawled on the couch, complaining he's had way too much pizza for comfort! Yeah, big surprise there, Tate, big surprise! Still, a quick foot-tickle (Tate's got extremely ticklish feet!) and he was off the couch and on his feet in no time! Geez, that was easy! Now was time for the hard part...

The cleaning!

OK, wanna' know a secret? Do you know how two guys with little-to-no-income could afford to rent a house? Easy! Just get the one house on the market that no one, and I mean no one, wants to live in! Trust me, there's always one of those! Someone reported a ghost sighting, a lightning fell and hit the roof, old ladies passing on and leaving their eighteen cats untended and undiscovered for days at a time are commonly cited examples of how a house becomes an "outcast". The hungry cats had to be moved out of the property before anything could be done, and what they left behind was a sight for sore eyes, even by professional standards. And, voilà, we have a property that no one would rent... Unless you're me or Tate, that is! But, hey, just don't tell that to the ladies! They may find it disturbing!

Anyway, there is a reason why people say that the cleaning profession is much akin to the law-keeping profession. Cleaners and cops alike are used to dealing with the very dregs of society, individuals with nothing to lose and, it would seem, nothing to live for. Have you ever wondered what an eight room townhouse in Shepard's Bush looks like after a dozen travelling Aussies move out after two years of living there? Probably not, and with good reason. One London cleaning team stumbled upon just such a situation during an otherwise routine day of one off cleaning. The scene was positively dire: dirty socks, half-empty tins of marmite spilt onto mattresses, hundreds of empty cans of Fosters and a Kangaroo Halloween costume covered in every brand of bodily fluid imaginable. And they did the job, though not before renegotiating the price with the greedy managing agent looking to swindle them out of two days work and a few hundred quid. The kangaroo suit alone took more than 3 hours to sanitize and dispose of! (That last bit is a piece of "key" information that Crazy-in-a-boring-to-death-sort-of-way-chic provided us, before throwing away one of Tate's baby pyjamas... Why was he caring it around is a mystery that (hopefully) will stay unexplained forever!)

But back to the main topic, it turned out that settling into a place and putting your staff in order is much, much more complicated, then I'd have guessed! Which is weird, as I don't recall having such troubles when moving in my previous residence, but hey...

Things change, right? 

Luckily, there's one thing that is always a constant: you could never have too much beer and pizza! 

Right, Tate?