The Red Cleaner Conspiracy

Title reference: "The Red Wolf Conspiracy" by Robert V. S. Redick

***

Me and Tate have been playing Tori Amos' "Happy Workers" the whole day, singing along, while doing (or at least trying to!) some long-postponed domestic cleaning, in order to prepare the house for tomorrow's New Year's Party! To tell you the truth, two hours into the cleaning, I was already feeling really sorry, that we decided to host a party at home, instead of going to someone else's house! I mean, who knew that washing a carpet might be such a tough job?! Or that She-Who-I-Really-Didn't-Want-to-Invite has been right about all the dirtiest places in the house, like the oven and underneath the bed... Geez, do you have any idea how much dust can pile up under a bed?! Or that when you start trying to push the hoover beneath it, it can get stuck and make you pull as hard as possible to take it out? No? Well, apparently it could, and it did! And don't even start me on Tate and his irrational fear that there's a monster living under his bad... Too much Everlast, anyone?

Anyway, by noon I was already considering giving up on cleaning as a whole and simply calling a house cleaning company to come do the dirty job for us, while we head out for pizza and a beer! Then it dawned on me: why bother the professionals, when we can jest play it smart and... Well, let's just say that instead of cleaning the house, we're just going to "mask" it in such a way, that no one would notice the dirt! Unless they looked closely, that is, and come on - who's gonna' expect the carpets for stains, or crawl underneath the beds, when there's gonna' be booze and chicks? O, yes...

Her. Lulu's Hot-but-Cleaning-Obsessed friend. She might do something like that.

Then again, I contemplated with myself, what if I could find a way to distract her, so that she is too busy talking, to actually go looking around the house? What would it take? Enduring yet another one of her "Astounding cleaning facts... " lectures? I could do that! O, if I'm drunk enough I could sit through almost anything... Well, OK, I wouldn't go as far as to say that I could "sit through" any torture, but anything that doesn't involve actual physical crippling... I could do that!

So that was the plan, up till 30 minutes ago. Then Tate's mum called and said she'd stop by tomorrow to help us decorate the house and prepare the food for the party. Very nice of her, but I could swear we both had a panic attack when we heard it! I mean... Tate's mum's like Super Mum, or something! If she sees the house like that, then she'd want to stay and clean it, and... Well, mums and parties. Not a good combination. So we put our heads together, had a short debate and then did the only thing possible in these extreme circumstances. 

We called professional house cleaners. They'd be here in an hour. Time to get that pizza and beer, I guess...

O, Tate says "Happy New Year" in advance! I add my voice: "Happy Future New Year" everyone! Don't spare yourself the drinking...

...and whatever you do, don't put your mum in the same room with your friends! Not a good combination! 

Trust me, I speak from experience!

A Cleaner's Carol

Title reference: "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens

***

Christmas parties, and parties in general, have both a good and a bad side. Good side, of course, is that you get to drink a lot of free booze and get stoned, or, if you stay sober, to take pictures, while people embarrass themselves! (Tate has a lot of photos like that... Yeah, no surprise there, huh?) Bad side, on the other hand, is the extensive amount of cleaning that comes after the party. Especially for the unlucky hosts, if their guests choose to simply get up and leave, instead of helping put the mess back in order! I'd call it "anti-climatic", but that's not the right word for it...

Anyway, we had a similar experience after Christmas, when we hosted a big party to which most of our friends showed up... Only they didn't bother to stay and help with the cleaning, come morning! Yeah, to say that I was "really irritated", would be a misunderstanding! Still, I bit my tongue, prodded Tate until he woke up and curled out from under the table, and then did the unthinkable: I called Lulu and What-'s-Her-Name to come and help us with the cleaning! (Apparently, the two had managed to sneak out of the house, sometime last night... Sneaky!)

Luckily, they agreed to come and lend us a hand... And everything would have been just fine, if Lulu's friend hadn't decided to share more of her cleaning knowledge with us! Ah... I think I just came up with a Christmas wish!

Anyway, while picking up things off the ground, She-Who's-So-Boring, shared with us that for most end of tenancy cleaning professionals, like herself, it is not the house cleaning itself that can get bothersome, but what tenants leave behind for the house cleaning company to pick up after them.  Horror stories include live pets, collections of dirty condoms and years worth of old newspapers that had obviously doubled as intimate care products. She even went as far as to point some of her own personal favorites:

One time, while rummaging amongst the dozens of empty wine and champagne bottles that fueled the end of tenancy leaving party the night before, she actually found a living person! (Yeah, imagine that!) Who was he? O, you know... Just a party casualty leftover from the previous evening who was woken up, to his great surprise, only to find that all his mates had left and been replaced by a team of cleaners. The cleaners were kind enough to explain what had happened and send him off in the right direction.

A Florence and the Machine song, "You hit me once, I hit you back" comes to mind, when you hear the 2nd story, She-Who-Knows-All-About-Cleaning told us: a poor professional from an end of tenancy cleaning London company ound a bed that had seemingly been set on fire. Although the flat was otherwise very clean, the guest bed, one of the only remaining pieces of furniture in the flat, had had the sheets burnt off the bed. This particular scenario was complete with smoke stains rising up the headboard and wall. Luckily it had been put out and no one needed to call the fire department, though the next tenant would have been in the market for a new bed.

The last story, which I will share with you, just like it was shared with me is... creepy. But you'll find that one out for yourselves... Right now! You see, it turns out that one time, while deep cleaning the house of an elderly resident who had recently moved into a home, cleaners found a cat in the basement. Not a big deal particularly. Then they found several more cats, without a litter box in sight. Aside from the cleaning itself, they reported that the smell bordered on the unbearable. A bit of pet mess is one thing, but leaving all of your pets in the house when you move out is quite another. The cats had to be packed off to Battersea as the resident was, sadly, unwilling to claim them.

Yep, that one gave me the heebie-jeebies as well! Luckily, our after party cleaning brought nothing like that out into the daylight and in the end we all went for pizza and beer...

Am I wrong, or does that sound like double-dating to you too?!

The Curious Case of the Cleaning Man

Title reference: "The Curious Case of the Clockwork Man" by Mark Hodder

***

"There's nothing wrong with a bit of obsessiveness when it comes to house-cleaning - after all it is a never-ending task and the benefits are obvious - but there is a point beyond which the obsession is no longer healthy."

That's what the local psychologist Dave (or Know-It-All-Dave, as all the neighbours call him) told Hot-But-What's-Her-Name, when she went for an evaluation, in order to determine whether she's developed OCD - Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. What's that, you wonder? Well, from what I could gather, it's a commonly bandied-about term which is often misunderstood but for the ones who do suffer from it, it can become a truly debilitating problem.

Or so Her-Namlessness tells us, while the two of them with Lulu, Tate's girlfriend, are sitting on the couch opposite me and my (slightly gaping) buddy. She seems too shocked by the discovery, for a person who's been talking first and foremost about cleaning, ever since I've met her! Sometimes the way we perceive ourselves, and what people see (or hear!) when they look at us are two completely different thing, huh?

But, and I bet you're wondering as well, what's that disorder all about? Well, here's what "the little birdie (umm... google)" told me, when I asked: OCD refers to people who have invasive thoughts that are hard to control and who perform actions that are repetitive and ritualistic. Common thoughts and behaviour from OCD sufferers often may include an inability to stop thinking about a particular subject or an irresistible desire towards performing repetitive actions. An OCD sufferer may, for instance be unable to stop worrying whether the gas or a faucet was left on or may find themselves washing their hands every few minutes. People with OCD may recognize the futility of such thoughts and actions but are not able to stop them.

Man, that sounds... creepy! Fortunately, as it turns out, there are effective treatments for OCD, and many have found that they were able to overcome the condition through self-help methods, or through counselling. (In Hot-But-Disordered's case, I'd say she should simply quit her job as a maid and get herself a home cleaning company to do the dirty work for her!) Dealing with the problem involves first recognizing it, then redirecting the thoughts and behaviour in other directions and developing an ability to not identify with the intrusive, unwanted thoughts and urges. Medication can help as well, but often accompanying therapy and behaviour modification. 

Two common approaches for treating OCD are Cognitive Therapy and Exposure and Response Prevention therapy. Essentially, the Cognitive Therapy method helps the patient to learn ways to minimize the impact of the overwhelming thoughts and to redirect their behaviour in healthy directions. Exposure and Response prevention focuses on having the OCD sufferer confront his or her fears by stopping the accompanying behaviour patterns associated with the obsessive thoughts, which can help the person slowly lose the urge and begin to recognize that he or she doesn't need the ritual any more.

In other words, if Hotty-But-Crazy-O wants to come to terms with the problem, she should allow someone else to be in charge of the housecleaning, whether it be the normal ongoing cleaning and maintenance or whether it is time for an end of tenancy cleaning, for instance. Just like I thought, actually!

Who's the man now, huh?

Merry Christmas (err... in advance) people!

A Call in Winter

Title reference: "A Betrayal in Winter" by Daniel Abraham

***

Tate's bother Finn (yes, the all have short, compact, 4-letter names) was supposed to fly over to London and stay with us for Christmas, but due to the bad weather and the heavy snowing all over Europe, got stuck on an airport instead, pretty much at the mercy of winter! Ever heard the song "Ice Queen" by Within Temptation? Well, listen carefully to the lyrics and you will notice that the winter season has been acting like said Ice Queen way too much for comfort! People all over the world have been unable to get back home for the holidays, which might have been sad, if it wasn't so tragic! I mean, come on... We (homosapiens) pride ourselves to be on "top of the food chain", but are unable to beat a simple snowfall with all our "amazing" technology? Well, I say we... err... Just follow my line of thought and figure it out on your own, OK?

Anyway, if nothing else, in recent years we've managed to develop one useful technology, technically software, which can help us stay in touch with family and friends abroad, who are having one hell of a Christmas time in an airport, somewhere around the globe! Which is a big step up, I suppose! After all, in the past people were happy with the fast communication system sending e-mails to get in touch with people from all over the world! Today we can talk with anybody from anywhere. But the idea that long distance calls and especially international calls are expensive made the telecommunication providers become more and more competitive, and nowadays they are offering different promotions and plans for cheap international calls to facilitate their consumers.

So, taking advantage of the above said, and having in mind that Finn's actually very good with technology, we were able to "come in contact" (no, there were no aliens!). As a matter of fact, it turned out that both international and local conference calls can be very useful in such situations! However, each one has its own characteristics. Now, let me try to explain them to you... (I wish Finn was here!)

So, when you make a conference call you should dial the exit code of your country, next the country code and finally the recipient’s number. Of course, check the international rates of your provider. Generally, you should be careful when setting the time, the date and the location, which must be confirmed, but in case of emergencies, such as calling people from the snow covered airport... Such formalities could be overlooked, yes?

Anyway, back on topic! One thing, when making a conference call is, you need to do your best and speak clearly and slowly. Finn has a tendency to talks as if he's in a hurry, or someone is chasing him and every next word could be his last, so... It was a bit difficult to follow his side of the conversation! Do you get my point now?

Bottom line is, the international conference call is not that much more complicated than the national one.  And in cases of extreme emergencies it might be the best way for you to get in touch with your closes and dearest, from every possible location!

Yes, Tate, even the good ol' restroom in Gatwick! Geez!

The Sad Tale of the Roomies Grossbart

Title reference: "The Sad Tale of the Brothers Grossbart" by Jesse Bullington

***

See "Bigfoot" on the picture above? (figuratively speaking, of course!) Wanda' what he's looking at so grimly... Wanna' hear my guess? Well, I think he's looking for a job, just like I was a couple of days ago! From Tate's point of view, I must have appeared almost exactly the same. Staring at the monitor. Thinking deeply and seriously. Looking as though any moment now, I might fall asleep... O, wait! I shouldn't have said that last bit! Still, I did better, then when Tate tried searching for a job... He literally fell asleep and didn't wake up for hours! We're still trying to figure out what caused that...

Anyway, back on topic. No more jokes. There's nothing funny about the credit crunch. Many Londoners (myself included) will be taking this year's holiday in such spellbinding destinations as Wetford, Kent and the Cotswolds rather than sunny Spain or the Amalfi Coast.  Not a pleasant thought, but here's something to cheer you up and help you see the brighter side of things! Remember the last fat-cat city banker, that refused to give you a loan to send the kiddo to University? Well, he's probably gone from splashing money on maids and... I don't know... oven cleaning London companies, let's say, to DIY house cleaning in less than a year! If he'd been really unlucky, he might have even become one of the flat cleaning London professionals, he so easily hired and fired not that long ago, himself! Talk about justice in the universe!

Still, it kind of gives you a nice feeling inside, knowing that all of those "big shots" have fallen off their "thrones"... And are now forced to be house-cleaners, who can't even clean their own homes! Wanna' guess the 3 places they most regularly forget to clean?

I'd start!

1. The bottom of the wardrobe. Having no jobs, and thus, no cause for digging through the Savile Row suits and designer dresses lining their closets, unemployed city workers have notoriously dirty clothes wardrobes.  Many report numerous skeletons in these closets getting in the way of their best cleaning efforts: the products of sub-prime lending and too many Dubai deals gone wrong.

2. The refrigerator. Having no money to buy food, the fridges of former city-workers are looking very empty these days. I bet that when they open them and smell the fading scent of French cheese, caviar and a cream soup with Swedish mushrooms, their appetite simple disperses into thin air, followed by a long and depressing night of cheap wine and a trip down "six-figure-pay-check" memory lane!

3. Under the settee cushions. If I have to bet, I'd say that this is probably the cleanest place in ever ex-banker's house! Settees have usually been searched nine, ten, eleven times, hoping to scrounge up enough five-penny pieces for the price of a pint. And, unfortunately, what is found beneath them in most cases is not enough to even buy the poor city boy a decent pine of Guinness in the pub! O, hard is the life of the ex-millionaire...

But for good ol' university boys like myself or Tate, the rich guys' misery is almost a cause for celebration!

Petty, who me?

The Cleaning Rebellion

Title reference: "The Spirit Rebellion" by Rachel Aaron

***

Have you ever seen an elephant in a Chinese store, "gracefully" dancing around all the "do-not-touch" merchandise? You haven't, have you? Well, neither have I, but I've seen Tate try to pull something similar and... Let's just say that it cost us more to pay for the damage, then if we had actually bought something! Which might have been acceptable, if the result wasn't almost identical, no matter where we went! Even at home, Tate has the ability to cause a disaster! You don't believe me?

Well, picture this then! An antique leather chair, that my dad brought us as an early Christmas gift. The X Factor on TV. A big plate of Spaghetti Bolognese. And Tate running and jumping in the chair, so that he doesn't miss anything... The final result? A huge cleaning mess, that can only be solved through some professional sofa cleaning services! Or, and that's a big "OR", through the use of some simple upholstery cleaning, Do-It-Yourself tips, that I'm not sure if I want to experiment with! Still, if I were to give them a try...

First thing to remember is that liquid spills, with the exception of red wine and coffee, are suitable for Do-It-Yourself cleaning! A mere household cleaning solution or upholstery shampoo (whatever that may be) will usually do the trick! Apply it as soon as possible after the spill, work it into the fabric, and use a damp rag to blot out the liquid. You can repeat this procedure as many times as is necessary to remove the stain and discolouration, changing your cloth as often as needs be in removing any dark patches. 

Of course, there are some messes, that would take a bit more effort to clean... And Tate's done all of them! Food spills, pet mess, chewing gum... you name it! My buddy's been all over the place, making sure nothing stays as clean as it should be! These types of stains are easily mashed into the fabric of the upholstery, making them harder to clean, even by a professional home cleaning company with the proper chemicals and equipment. So, imagine what chance I've got? I'd say somewhere between zero to none... Still, supposedly, the best thing to do with these more heavy duty spills is to remove as much of the mess as possible without further soiling your upholstery or pushing it deeper into the fabric. If it works out for you, let me know!

Bottom line is, professional sofa cleaning London company available when DIY cleaning is insufficient is your best bet, to get your furniture back into shape, before you've got people coming over, or they end up as stained and... umm... unpleasant to look at, as a baby's dippers! You don't believe me? Well, you should have seen the furniture in my old home...

To call them "unpleasant" to behold would be an understatement! And that was before Tate started hanging around 24/7!

Aye, aye, aye!

The Roomies of Grace Adieu

Title reference: "The Ladies of Grace Adieu" by Susanna Clarke

***

Tate's mum stopped by for a visit this past Wednesday and stayed for a couple of days, making our (er... my!) lives really miserable! Remember that song "Manic Monday" by The Bangles? Well, let's just say that it was Manic Wednesday, then Manic Thursday and, if she hadn't booked her return ticket prior to her arrival, it would have been a Manic Weekend, that would have probably driven me insane! 

It's almost ironic, really! You've read those news articles, stating things in the vain of that the average British household is as busy as it has ever been, yes? Supposedly, recession-strapped parents have taken on secondary employment to generate extra cash. Kids are involved in all sorts of extracurricular activities, seemingly with the aim of educating them beyond their parents’ current financial troubles, and so on...

Well, I can tell you now that either Tate's family is much wealthier than he says, or his mum is completely unmoved by the financial crisis and everything that comes along with it! The woman is a hurricane, or a Fury, whichever is scarier, and I pray for anyone foolish enough to dare "scorn" her!

Still, I like to try and stay positive, and believe that the Tates, as I personally call them, are not the rule, but more of the exception to it! Hopefully, the normal modern family had little time for unnecessary domestic tasks, and the little jobs which would have been performed by mum or dad a generation ago are frequently outsourced. Over is the "bring me the newspaper and slippers" routine, that places the woman only a little step ahead of the dog in the hierarchy! The missus has gradually moved to become if not an equal, then actually a leading source of income for the family! (You think I'm joking?! Just look at your own boss... Or is she a lady-boss?) Anyway, whatever you or your wife are working, it's a fact that middle-class British households employ an increasing number of unnecessary domestic tasks, and the little jobs which would have been performed by mum or dad a generation ago are frequently outsourced.

Which is not that bad of a thing, if you're a "once upon a time" housewife, I guess! You're tired of sofa cleaning? Well, then it's time to get professionals to do the dirty job for you!

Or even better... You can try hiring one of those rigid and thoroughly British nannies and butlers (anyone thinking of... Sebastian?!) that have been so popular in Englishmen's imagination since the Victorian era! The economic principles behind the current trend for employing domestic assistance, however, are much different than the somewhat dated image of Jeeves the butler that we’re all so accustomed to. 

 Why is that so? I'll give you a hint - does... freedom of migration from Eastern Europe sound familiar to you? No? Then maybe you should think about the European Union... and all the foreigners it granted free entrance to the British Isles! Plumbers, builders, lorry drivers, maids and other domestic cleaning professionals came in spades. The effect was a significant decrease in the price of domestic assistance and blue collar personnel, making these services more widely available than ever before. So, if you have an old, rugged sofa and wish it clean... just go get yourself some professional sofa cleaners! Why do it yourself, when you can have someone do it for you?

Anyway, it is a fact that the rush of Eastern Europeans looking for employment in the service industry has been larger in the capital, then anywhere else! I hear that last time they checked, it was estimated that upwards of a million foreign nationals live and work on a day to day basis in London! Which... sounds kind of scary, doesn't it?

Still, if you've been wondering whether you can afford to get a second job, then I suggest you re-estimate your finances and the idea of taking on low-cost nannies or other assistance! The result is great for the economy, as you contribute to another person’s livelihood while being given a better chance to pursue your own.

Which is nothing more, but the pompous way of me saying that I'd rather pay to a maid to keep the house clean, then have Tate's mum come over once a week to put her "baby's staff in order"! Now that latter part is simply scaring me out of my wits...

Hot-but-nameless-or-whatever... Now's your chance to save the day!

And here I was thing that I'd never have to say those words!